He

He's the pensiveness of a thousand roses
The beckoning of a constellation, far far away
He's the carefree laughter of a stream,
The sad painting that looked away.
He's a beautiful poem, an enigma, an epiphany.

Trying...

Trying to be good
Trying to be better
Trying to get you
To like me.


Trying to be sweet
Trying to be nice
Trying to be something
I am not.


Just so you would look.
Just so you would smile.
At me.


For that smile of yours
I could die a thousand deaths.
To be looked at by those eyes of yours
I could catch my breath.


And then you did.
You looked at me. 


All at once
The world became rosy
And the stars were cozy.


I felt shy
I was red
Under your glance.


But then you turned away...
The world was lost
And I craved for more.
Once more.


A flash of your eyes
A twitch of your smile
A fraction of your voice
Just a bit, only for a while.


I think of you. I shiver.
As a rose under the sun
As a leaf under the rain


And I pray for it
Wanting it to happen again
But you merrily squeeze away
And with black female asses, gently bray.

Another Boring Post..Gee so Gay!

I don't love you
I don't like you
I don't care about you

I don't already miss you

I don't write about you

I don't secretly cry for you

I don't....I don't.

You think too much. People tell me all the time. Paranoia coupled with insecurity. Mistrust. A friend is leaving. She is self-obsessed and stupid. She thinks she has a bad temper. I think she can be stupidly passionate and is nothing like the way she projects herself to be. She believes in this projection. I also think she is a darling. I think she is a good tempered kid. That's because I have a bad temper. I want my close ones to stay with me when I am having a bad time (which is literally most of the time now) and when they don't (because I am a loner), I blame, cry, screech, shriek, throw my limbs up and down and point out how bad they are. 


Anyway, this can be the subject of research among psychology professionals. But enough of me. This 'friend', this girl I am talking about, I don't think she considers me as her friend. She is like a Barbie with her own set of flying angels covering all around her; she can go on and on for hours talking about how nice her friends are. I am not jealous.


No seriously, I'm not. I have considered at least thrice in my life to severe all ties with her. And I did. But every time, she comes around with a sunny face and starts anew. I have told her that every time you cannot have a new beginning. Yet she refuses to give up. Her optimism, her willingness to try, compels me to look past the negative experiences. It's like she calls me back every time I leave. No one has ever done that before for me.


'Sugar and spice and everything nice', I am suddenly reminded of this rhyme.


I experience emotions in extreme. Either I love someone or despise someone. If I am indifferent to someone, then I don't care about that person at all. This, despite of my peaceful demeanor. May be, expecting her to always comply is wrong. But I am incredibly possessive of my friends. I once told a friend that I did not care how many girlfriends he has, I wanted my share of time to be given to me! He understood. She does too. But somewhere I feel, I don't have any right to even feel that way about her.

She herself has told me about her priorities in friendship, with other people scoring top level positions. Huh. I was always the top scorer in school and college. Therefore, it becomes a competition. And I don't like losing. Scoring in studies is easier. Scoring in life is more difficult. Therefore I retract, carefully, steadily, pretending I have better things to do. Inside however I am dying. Because when I like someone, I want that person to myself. And I want that person to like me as well. 


And also because I don't like losing. Losing, as if it were, is a sin. Ironic, coz I lecture this friend all the time, how everything in life is not about winning or losing. Other things are pretty important too. 


Where was I? Oh yes, so she's leaving. For higher studies. And one evening, she harmlessly changed her FB profile pic, I looked at her face and wrote a poem. Another time, I read a post on her blog, out of which one line she had spared to saying that she would probably never see her home again. Byas, I began to cry. Faced with emotional anguish at times like these, I did what I do best- ran away. 


From her, from the pain. So I had forgotten everything. Found out a thousand faults with her (and trust me, I did not have to work very hard for it). And became busy with my life, as if I don't have anything better to do! As if she is the busiest person in the world! Miss Popular. With her entourage of fans. Bloody Show Off. As if I care!


Miss Happy-Go-Lucky called me on my birthday and began crying about something regarding her boyfriend. Like the generous and kind-giving listener, I tried to hear her patiently. As the Knight in Shining Armour for the Damsel in Distress! Gee, that's so gay! She hates being called the damsel in distress, so I might as well call her that. Damsel in Distress, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Barbie Doll! Hmph. Latest: Paris Hilton! Serves her right. 


Six months again, we hardly talked, mostly did on chat and sometimes on SMS, but now that she's leaving for higher studies, she had this brilliant idea of meeting all her friends before she left, from kindergarten to barely known acquaintances (all are her 'friends' according to her).Queen Elizabeth is signing her name on people's hearts! Hmph. So me, who was cursing her all this while and told her that she wouldn't meet her, had to meet her. 


Well, of course she didn't gag me, but I had to meet her. How could I say no to her? I never could. Plus I kinda like it when she tolerates my temper tantrums and even after that repeatedly keeps on coaxing me. Woah, some patience that kid has!


Which brings me back to my first point. She is an extremely talented kid. And a good tempered one. She has the ability to look past errors with a new optimism. I don't believe in hero worship as some of her friends do! I can't go on and on about how exceedingly charming her boyfriends are/were. Goodness, if anything I hate them. And I hate anyone and everyone who has ever mattered more to her than me. And I hate that place and institution where she's going because it is taking her away from me. 


In a desperate attempt, I told her, "Don't go...". She thought I was asking her not to leave for home. But I replied, "No..don't go..to Noida.." She just rounded up her already big round eyes and looked at me. True, that's like the stupidest thing  I have ever said to anybody. ( And I have done some pretty stupid things, specially regarding guys I have liked. To one guy I gave him several reasons not to like me, and to another, I recommended other girls he would look good with!) 


As if I wouldn't have gone! As if I would think for a second time when it came to ambition versus emotion. As a matter of fact, I have always urged her to come out of her comfort zone, and see the world, struggle, get a taste of real life. And now when she's going, somewhere, I find even tears futile. I try to cry because that way the pent up anguish would come out. But something chokes my throat. The water in my eyes dry up. 


Nobody is indispensable in my life, I proudly say. And it is true. This too shall pass, I shall be alone once more. And this post is just so gay. Eeks! I have better taste. But if I can spend post after post hallucinating about guys who don't even deserve to be anywhere near my blog, then hers is a place well deserved. 


She has been a kind and gentle loving soul, a caring 'friend'; she has been there in times when I needed her most. Yes, she has her moments of indifference and she can also be cruel, but she can also be extremely giving, understanding. What I like most about her? Her 'mothering' me. Her ability to look past my ego, my seriousness, see the softness and treat me like a kid. And her putting away all ego when she's dealing with an egoistic me. Goodness, now this is just all too twisted. I better stop.

Good Night and Good Luck. 

She Be The One (I)

They met. They talked. He was witty and smart. She was simple, lovable. They chatted for hours.

And they fell in love?

Naah...They hated each other.

What?

Enrique: Hey Trish, how r u?

Trisha: I'm fine, Enrique. How are u?

Enrique: am grt! so have u spoiled any1 else's brand new shirt yet? :D

Trisha: What? I told you Enrique, that was JUST ONE TIME. 

Enrique: sure.. sure. so have u sneezed on any1 else 2day?

Trisha: That's it. I'm going.

Nightcrawler: Hey Trisha, 'ssup?

Trisha: Everything was fine NC until I came here!

Nightcrawler: Eh..

                     Lemme read. 

                     Oh..Haha. Hey Enrique stop bothering this nice girl here.

Enrique: not my fault, nc..she cracks me up! :D

Nightcrawler: *controls laugh* Nah..apologize.

Enrique: okay..sowyy trisha *makes puppy eyes*

Trisha: Oh..Okay.

Enrique: Sure? *persistent puppy eyes*

Trisha: Yeah..It's fine. :)

Enrique: good..coz I was beginning to think that you would unleash your phlegmatic powers on me! :D :D
Trisha: !!!!! ?????
          x(
Enrique: :D 
Trisha: :X
           Ok that's it. I'm out of here.
Enrique: *persistent puppy eyes*
Trisha: @$$^&*!


Trisha has logged off.


Enrique: :( 
Nightcrawler: :P u are lucky she was not in front of u. Or else u'd be in trble!
Enrique: Haha.. she's a sweet kid.
Nightcralwer: So she sneezed on somebody?
Enrique: On her Boss. During a Presentation. :D
Nightcrawler: :O omg!
Enrique: She was nervous.


A few days later.


Enrique: Hey nc.
Nightcrawler: Hey Enrique, 'ssup?
Enrique: nuthn' much..bored.
Nightcrawler: aww..I know why. :P
Enrique: huh..why
Nightcrawler: She's not here. :P
Enrique: who?
Nightcrawler: u know, your girl...
Enrique: Which one? :P
Nightcrawler: You know, the one from India...
Enrique: :/
Nightcrawler: So you attending the international chat forum meet next month?
Enrique: eh...dunno. 
Nightcrawler: u know, she might be there... ;)
Enrique: who again?
Nightcrawler: oh..c'mon..you know who.....
Enrique: well, am a bit busy. have to do a lot of work. let's c

Nightcrawler has logged off.


Enrique: oh shoot... at least tell me where the meeting is taking place.!


Next month. Spain. Madrid.


The Hotel Villa de Vincci was one of the most renowned hotels of the city. The registered members of the International Chat Forum were to meet at a special event tonight. The ICF had thought this would be a great idea for the members to interact one on one; some of them had known each other for over a year. The members were supposed to wear a tag of their nick so that the others could identify them.


Trisha aka Akangsha had come to Madrid for the first time, exclusively to attend the seminar. Just the seminar? Well we don't know yet. At least that's what she said to her conservative parents before flying off solo to Madrid. Her uncle stayed there so her parents had to agree reluctantly. Akangsha knew however that without her uncle, her parents would have never agreed.


"So exactly where is this meet?" Her uncle had asked her when she arrived.


"It's just near Puerta Del Sol... you know there is a monument and a statue....it's walking distance to the old Post Office..." she mumbled.


"Honey..no use throwing these names to me, I have been here for ten years. I'm not leaving you alone in an unknown city. After all, you are my responsibility now. What will didi- jijaji think? I will ask the driver to drop you. And he will be present to pick you up when you are done." He was firm.


Trisha sighed. And here she thought she would get the chance to roam an unknown city alone. What an adventure it would have been! :(


Elsewhere in the city.


A dark small one bedroomed flat. An alarm clock rang heavily.


A long hand lazily came out of the blanket and thumped the clock shut. It picked up the clock and pulled it under the blanket.


"Oh shit I'm late!" A cry of disbelief came as the blanket was thrown away. A half naked figure crept up. He was tall, fair, had hazel eyes and dark curly hair. "I don't wanna be late..may be she'll be there.." 


Enrique aka Aaron was a late riser, an even late sleeper but brilliant in making computer games. He composed himself. What? No no. He was going for the thrill. Right?


He looked at the mirror opposite his bed. Sleepy eyes stared back at him.


He got up and proceeded to be ready. Tonight he had to look his best.

                                                                                                           (to be continued)

Realization

You were such a good friend and now you are gone too

Go on leave me like all the others do...

A post long overdue. Anger. Despair. Fumes. Fight. Break up. Tears. Disbelief. An essential part of life gone. Fear. Of the Future. What will happen now?How can "you" be gone? Forever? Concert. Music. Fun. Tears at Night. Thinking of You. Thinking how unworthy I am of your friendship. How small am I? You were so important to me but apparently I am not that important to you. Rejected. Dejected. I am replaceable. Dispensable. Unwanted.

Second Phase. Making new Friends. Difficult. Not social enough. But have to get out of the first phase. What's the point? Getting your self respect back; that's the point. You are not dispensable. You are not replaceable. You are not rejected. It is possible for people to love you. Want you. Otherwise, there would be no hope at all. No hope of living. Do you want that? Dunno. Scared. Of both sides. But undertaking a venture, taking a risk, solving a problem given at hand; that's my nature. And the Result....

..is not so bad after all. Loving people are present. For whom I am not dispensable. Who don't only talk to me out of kindness. Who don't only listen to me out of a sense of duty for "friendship". Who really like me for the person that I am. And I am surprised at how much I can achieve. A zest. A vigor. A new spirit fueled by the desire to NOT feel bad. NOT be melancholy even though that was the original nature. To NOT be pessimistic. Have to prove something. I can live without you. Look, how happy I am. I was not so happy when I was with you! Inwardly missing you. But the tears are gone. Gradually replaced by the happy memories of the friendship that once existed. This time it was not just a word. This time it was over, for final.

But it was good while it lasted. May be it was for the best. I was getting more and more dependent on you. And it does not work if it's one way. It becomes a burden to the other person, a source of embarrassment to the one. Fear of rejection is always present. It is better to harbor such feelings for someone who would appreciate it. The wound heals up gradually. New friends stir life up. Learn to depend on them. On her. The Lady with the Golden Smile. Would she leave me too? She says she won't. She knows about the past. But no one knows about the future, right? But this is good while it still lasts.

This lady has a lot of friends too. But she never ignores me. She cares for me. She listens to me. Never says she is too busy to talk to me. It's more of a "real relationship" than a "virtual" one. I guess that's why her words make clearer sense. Past feelings, past people however still haunt. Hence deletion of account. A new life. In the "real" world.

Optimism. Strength. Value of Oneself. Hope. Courage. Conviction that I am right...

Realization of own mistakes. Trying to rectify them. But you did not accept. Sad. A Bit Angry. But the feeling of loss is gone. A renewed strength and spirit. Your wish. I tried..

Third Phase. A message. Formal talks. Ice starts to break. Felt nice. But do I want to go back in time again? Wasn't it all over? How can I start it all over again? Difficult. Is so much of intimacy good? After all it's again going to end on a sore note. Confusion. You are nice. Friendly. The qualities I admired in you once. You say you were never serious about the fight. But I was. So...? Where does it go from here?

I don't want to hurt you. But I also don't want to get hurt again. I am over you. Done depending on you. You ask me what is wrong. I refuse. Don't want to rely on you again. Unforgiving? More like timid. You left everything broken. I alone had to build from scratch. Now I am sane. I am happy. Now you have returned. But I am scared of being broken down again. I am scared of getting rejected. Again.

Thankfully, I have a strong mind to think things out. Things are not as simple as they seem. I still like you. I still want to be your friend. But at what cost? Sure it's not worth it to submit oneself completely to someone? And then be rejected? How would you feel if something like that happened to you?

But that's the point. You have lots of friends. You will never have to feel the pathos of loving and not getting loved in return. I on the other hand cannot afford that luxury. The handful of friends that I have, I intend to keep each one of them. None of them is replaceable. Dispensable. No, not even you. You will always be you. No one will take your place. But the way I was once with you...I don't want to be like that with you again just to make you happy. It would be kindness and a duty for friendship, but not from the heart.

Your place in my heart was empty. You have come to reclaim that place. You are away. I feel a vacuum. I feel an empty space. I miss you. But I am scared to admit it. I am scared to feel it. To express it. You expect me to feel for you the same way as I once did. You are physically absent. I get angry. How can you expect me to feel things when you are away on such short notice. I didn't think I would miss you. But now I do.

You are persuasive. Bright and optimistic. But I am not as courageous as you. The fear of rejection from you still persists.

I need to find a balance.

Cute Guys

So what's wrong with the Almighty Creator? Why does he have to make beautiful girls all around but no good looking guys? You know how it goes? Good looking guys are not nice. Good looking nice guys are committed. And good looking nice single guys are gay. :(

It's so hard to find a good looking guy who would also be a good conversationalist. Most of us have to prioritize on one or more of the features if we want to "like" a guy. So imagine my surprise when after waiting for about 4 and a half years on the university campus I genuinely found not one but several cute lovely looking guys!! Imagine my surprise, my hysteria! It was as if I had found a diamond in the rough. At least I was so smitten by them when I found them on one of the social networking sites. I am jumping, jumping, jumping now! Yuppieee!

Rukte hain kahan hum roke se

Chalte hain hawa ke jhonke se

Apni toh aisi hai zindagi

Yehi apni adaa hai kya karein

Koi bura jo maane kya karein

Humse toh hai khafa ab sabhi

Jaane do chodo bhi

Talking of cute guys, I dreamed of an old flame today evening. Well okay fine, I have a thing for cute guys. And he was cute. And cool. Absolutely thanda thanda cool cool. Which is what I liked about him. But I dreamed of him in relation to death. I guess the reason for it was that I was reading a novel where the main character had just died. And the father of one of my students had just expired. So when I woke up, I was left with a nagging feeling of why I dreamed of him in relation to death. So anyways, it's always nice to find a cute guy in real life (considering all of them are mostly found in movies or serials: from leos to shahids to aijaz khans to amit varmas). So yes, right now I am ecstatic..regarding these guys. It never hurts to see a cute face staring at you ..blah blah blah..you get my drift. Particularly cute guys make me feel happy when I'm in a sour mood. So that's what I do when I'm in a bad mood or need some entertainment.

When it comes to movies or serials, I can list a series of names when it comes to cute guys. But I won't bore you with that list. Cute guys- are mostly young guys, even if they are old...they should have a younger charm about them. Leo is probably the best example in this respect. And to talk of Indians, who can forget Shahid and Ranbir? Truly they are the present heart throbs of Generation Y. And when it comes to Hollywood, need I even mention a list? It is always full of hotties and cuties and both!! Take for example, Steven Strait. The charmer charmed everyone with his magical powers in The Covenant.

When Leo acted in the Titanic for the first time, people around were really surprised. They had seen this guy act before but Titanic was definitely one of the turning points in Leo's life. One that made girls sit up and notice him and he was to become the blue-eyed boy of Hollywood for a long time to come. However Leo never limited himself to romantic roles. Rather he kept on taking up different challenging roles that explored his acting abilities right from The Gangs of New York to Catch Me if you Can.

Well, happy cute guys inspire cute happy posts. Pray that the Almighty creates more of these startling precious pieces! :P

Parting

Have been reading some fun blog posts for quite a while....they have become my favorites within a very short span of time...while one deals with relationships, the other one clearly is about weird and funny ideas. Change is good. Change is constant. I recently saw Inception. I was about to write a blog post on that but then decided against it. Part of the reason is that I had a lot of questions regarding the movie and needed to do research on them. Part of the reason is that seeing a movie like Inception once is not enough to write a post on it. I am seeing a new side of life now..spending more time in the real world than virtual world. I daresay, it has done me more good than bad. As a matter of fact, I am quite enjoying it. This is the last year of university. My last semester results were not good, at least by my standards. Since this is the last year, I want to give it my best effort. It's still difficult to accept that within another year, this university will not remain mine any more! So now even while running late to my classes every morning, I spare a sec to feel and watch the air, the grass, the lake, the seats, the ledge, the corridors, the buildings and the canteens of my uni.... 18 years of studying and it's all going to be over soon..I can feel what my engineering mates felt in the beginning of this year, now. Fresh views, fresh guys..yupsy they ARE cute! Ah finally! As a matter of fact one of them is in one of my class. The other in my department! Yippeee! I love my courses. Well I always did. But this time, I am actually studying, or at least trying to, till now. I am trying not to miss my classes. Making an effort. Today for instance, we spent one class listening to Latin American music. No notes, just the splendor and vibrancy of Latin American music for the course. Reminds me time and again why I love CL so much! I wish these years would not go so soon by. Still remember the first day of college. We were newcomers then and now, in a matter of time, we have become the senior most class in the dept. We have grown old. :(

I never thought I wud miss my school. But six months before I left school, I began feeling nostalgic about it. I never ever thought I would miss JU. But...

This place has a growing quality; it grows on you. I was a critic of the place when I first came here. The liberation, the freedom was too much for me to take; one who has always been a staunch supporter of rules and regulations. But this university, my department showed me new directions; opened my arena. What if I am given a choice whether or not to follow rules? Surely I'm a grown up individual and can take my own decisions? What if I am not a bad person just because I smoke or drink? I don't support either of these activities even now but the way I used to view smokers as "bad" people; that view has changed. JU has opened up possibilities; possibilities I never knew existed before. Well you know what they say. Once a JUite, always a JUite!

A lot of time has passed since my last personal post. Was reading the blog on relationships and felt it was time to write one post for myself, about me. Sure clouds still darken my sky however now I'm optimistic, I'm happy.

Loneliness

There were people around her always. Boisterous, forceful, determined to achieve their goals, determined to make her achieve her goals. Nobody ever asked what she wanted. She never asked herself what she wanted. What others wanted for her was more important to her. They had suffered for her, now it was her turn to suffer for them. It was a constant ideology she believed in. Her only aim in life was to make them happy. But then he came. He was a friend. A dear friend. He was the kind of person who made her happy. All those other people around her made her stressed. But he made her warm and comfortable. She loved him for who he was. She wanted to know him. She never wanted to lose him. Never. People she had loved had always left her. She thought it was because she was not good enough for them. This had scared her; she never could be herself with people she liked for fear that they would "reject" her. But his easygoing nature encouraged her. She was not scared to be who she was with him. She loved him. She wanted him to be happy. But somewhere at the back of her mind she knew that he could never be happy with her. But she never wanted to lose him. There was always an uneasiness that this won't last coz it never had before. This friendship, this being there for each other. And it didn't. She blamed herself for the loss. For his indifference. He did not care. She was not good enough. She knew that. She was not good enough to be his friend. But she loved him. Did he know that? Did he understand that no matter how much people loved him, they will never be able to love him as much as she did? There was a time when she used to wait all the while so that they could talk. Now they don't. She is still surrounded by people. People waiting to be her friends. May be people who even genuinely care about her. People who need her. But he is not there. And it is not the same without him. What happened to the easiness which was there when they talked earlier? The places where they met, those places remind her of him even now. There is not one day when she does not think of him. Sometimes she wanders, why did they have to meet only so they could part? And in the midst of all people, she feels lonely. and this loneliness is like frost bites. Cold, cruel and uncompromising.

"I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me and I walk alone...."

:)

A feeling of relief. A void engulfed me all these years. A void I had been living with. Finally that void is gone. I feel happy. I feel relaxed. So he too had liked me. Appreciated me. Cared for me all along. Noticed those small things. Remembered stuff even I hadn't noticed. And all this while, I thought it was impossible. All this while I thought it had been an illusion. He could never like me. He probably didn't even notice me. But he had. Noticed everything. Knew what I felt. And yes I got a whole list of lecture. Making him wait for nine years. Me waiting for nine years. But not telling him. Lol. But it was sweet. Coming from him. I don't know what to write. Except that the cloud of pessimism which had surrounded me since childhood has been removed. I see clear sky now. And the sun light. Days are warm, sweet, tender. I no more like to get lost in the crowd, in the dark. I still like darkness but I also realize light. Those nine years. They had not been wasted in vain. Patience surely does pay. And I am no more scared of light... :)

A Discourse on the Relative Comparison of Humans and Animals

It's at times like these, when you wonder what's wrong with you. Does the fault lie with people or with you? Surely everyone cannot be wrong. What is it then? May be everything should not be taken seriously? But what do you do when you feel bad? Feelings are not justified or unjustified; feelings are..just what they are, feelings. Why do people hurt you deliberately? May be..the fault is with me. May be I am the one who should stop mixing with humans. I don't understand them; I can't fathom what they want. And I CAN'T be a hypocrite! That is one thing you need to be an expert in if you want to be a sociable, approachable human. I am better with animals. The problem of language does not exist there. With animals, you don't need to speak. Fancy all formalist and structuralist theory would hold no ground in the animal kingdom! Coz they can't speak. They have their own communication system- sounds, touch. You don't even need to speak to them to "talk" to them! Eyes are enough.

Sometimes I ask myself, is it really worth it? The pain I mean. Dunno.

But one thing I know...and that is I can't stand it any more. Slowly but surely the wall of patience is crumbling down.

A Torn Page from a Diary

Date: Any date in the Past

Day: Any day from Monday to Sunday

An Open Letter (Of course it's open only to me, not to you)

Dear Sweet Little Friend of Mine

You might wonder what prompted me to write an open letter(I know I know, it's in my diary, you can't read it and you are not supposed to read it. I just like the sound of it- you know 'open letter'!). Some days hence, the wait has been terrible. Wait, wait, wait for what? You might ask. This arrogance of yours, I can tolerate. This indifference of yours, I cannot. People say I have fallen for you. I contest them with all my might. Truth is, you mean a lot to me. Remember, I told you once, you are 11 years late in my life? All my life, I have wanted a friend like you. Someone who I could trust. Someone in front of whom, I could be myself. People think I don't care what they think. Truth is, I do. I am scared to be myself in front of them. But you are not like that. The remarkable ease with which you charm people around you, make them your fans shocks me. I can't be like you. I don't even want to be like you. I have my own uniqueness, you have your own. Anyways, so I was saying that it takes time for me to open up. But with you, I never thought twice. With you I was myself. Tell you a little secret? People don't have the ability to tolerate me the way I am. Everyone, the closest to me with whom I have opened up, have invariably left me. It pains so much when your closest ones, whom you love the most in life, drift apart from you. I did not want you to be the third. I never did. Truth is I never thought you would leave me. You sounded so convincing. And determined. You promised you would not think of me like that. Then why did you leave me? First time, it was a shock, I tell you. I could not believe that you had left me. I was numb. I was so scared of feeling the pain. I was devastated. Why would you do this to me? What wrong had I done? I deleted your memories from my life. But I could not delete them from my heart. You meant so much to me, and I knew you couldn't hurt me. Then why did you?

I realized may be it was not your fault. May be you did not understand you would hurt me. Some friends made me realize that may be, it was because you wanted to keep your friendship. May be you did not want me to have any misconceptions and therefore get hurt. You know what? Let me tell you the truth.

Truth is I have never wanted anything from you. Unless some friends really compelled me to think about it, I would not have even given it a serious thought. I never thought you would like me. You are so free spirited, so witty, so approachable, so kind. I cannot even aspire to be with you. You are a free bird in the sky. You are a star shining like a diamond in the sky. Excuse the poetry! Lol.

But you are, like a diamond! What can I say? You are so special to me that I don't want to lose you. You are very precious to me, like his heart was to Davy Jones! :P You are so delicate, so priceless that I want to keep you hidden in a chest and bury it somewhere deep, or throw it into the ocean! So that no one, specially I can get hold of it. Or else, I am scared, I would hurt you.

Frankly speaking, I would never let my feelings come in the way of our friendship. I never did want anything. You know why? Coz I know I don't deserve you. I have always known that. :)

I just wish you get all the happiness in the world. I wish you success and lots of best wishes. I wish you get the person of your dreams.

Yours sincerely

The ever silent observer

Teddy (continued)

I do not know how to continue from my last post about him. Teddy was a ball of fur; soft, black and sparkling. He was the handsomest devil anyone in our neighborhood had seen before. He belonged to the mongrel breed but he was so beautiful that people almost invariably asked us whether he was a Labrador. And well, yes we felt very proud when they complimented him like this. He hated the water like most street pups. Warm water along with Clinic Plus Shampoo was needed to bathe him and three of us- my sister, my brother-in-law and my mother were needed to push him to the bathroom. Phew! As I said in my previous post, he sure was a handful!

He was a good tempered puppy initially but then I used to irritate him so much that he began to lose his temper with me. Lols. I don't blame him. I have a penchant for trying out people's patience to see how much they would be able to tolerate me. I and my mother used to irritate the hell out of him by rolling him out like you roll the dough to make chapatis. From the next time whenever he saw me and my mother, he used to scurry below the bed post.

Teddy used to be very curious. I remember one day I was working over something barring him from the view of my work. He could not see what I was working upon. I saw that and pretended to be more readily engrossed as if by something absolutely interesting. He came over, peered over my neck, pulled one of his paws over my hand and tried to move it aside to see what I was doing.

Such was his curiosity.

At one time in the darkness I was sad about something. The lights had gone off. There was no current. I was unhappy. He came over to me and called me with his paw. I hugged him. I have yet to find out someone else who would understand my feelings without my saying anything.

But good things are for short periods only. He fell ill one day. He had some sort of an infection on his mouth. Mother called the doctor and he suggested an antiseptic. In the midst of this, he fell down from the bed one day. He could not regain his balance. We called the doctor. He came and concluded that he had been running a temperature for the past few days. He was not able to give a conclusive proof of what had really happened. But right then, in front of our eyes, Teddy let out one final gasp of breath and left us.

P.S: We took him to a cemetery in Behala where he was buried. Exactly ten days later, my sister's pup, Pipi who was suffering from many days owing to old age and distemper also left. He was also taken to the same burial ground, Karunakunj.


The First Part: http://sojournoflife.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-was-in-midst-of-writing-another-poem.html

Memories

A long time has passed since my last post. Well not quite. I have been known to update my blog once every two years. But stray thoughts seem to crowd my mind and sooner or later I realize I have to take up the pen. Damn computer has made me so lazy I find it difficult to write with a pen except during exams. :( But we will save that for later.

By far the worst disadvantage of having a net is that people buzz you at all the unwanted times and you can't help but be polite to them. You might want to concentrate on your work, you might want to concentrate on your writing, but you can't. You might well ask me to shut off the net while doing some other work. Problem is that the net has got the better of me- they say it's Internet Addiction. But like most addictions, I am sure I will get rid of this one too. All in good time, mate. ;)

Between this time, I have passed through a plethora of moods- ranging from sadness, depression to euphoric laughter (the last one signifying my absolute loss of calm and peace). But I guess being my reader, you are quite well aware of my morbid phases. This phase however was a bit more morbid than all of the phases I have underwent so far. When I am depressed I usually listen to angry rock songs. LP, David Guetta's "Love is Gone" are some of my particular favs.

But then Taylor Swift has a capacity of bringing your sadness to the forefront, something I did not want to happen. So I stopped listening to her completely. I wanted my anger to stay. Why cry like a sissy when you can be a werewolf? Lols. My apologies to Twilight fans. So anyways, things were somewhere around this when I listened to a new song by Swift, "Hey Stephen".

The playful nature of the song interested me. The lines go somewhat like this:

I can't help it if you look like an angel

Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain so

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

Can't help it if there's no one else

Mmm, I can't help myself

So for all those of you who are Taylor Swift fans, I suggest you listen to this song. Right now I am humming this tune. A lot of good things are happening in life. My children got a lot of medals and that makes me very proud as a teacher. I got a lovely red bag as a gift. I became second in class once again(ah crap, 2nd, but I guess that is better than failing) and yes I scored the highest in the paper I wanted to. I guess that is how life goes. Time and tide wait for none. In the midst of all these achievements however, our heart does not forget to spare a thought for those who meant a lot to us and now are gone.

I am currently reading The Good Guy by Dean R. Koontz. I love this author. Have been reading him since school days. His current story has some instances of pet dogs. I was reminded of my Teddy. His innocent brown eyes that gave away everything that he had in his mind, his pink tongue and black lips. Yes he was the most handsome of all the puppies in the neighborhood. He was my friend, my brother. And need I say it, he was as intolerable as I am! He had a short temper (like me) which used to flare up even when the fault was his (again like me). Sometimes I really wished he was not so much like me. I don't cry for him, not any more. I do remember him, still. And I wish he was with me ..still.

Revelations

As I near the end of 2009, I seem to have quite a few revelations. My last post was about Pyaar Impossible, remember? Well it does not seem quite so impossible now. Beauty, beauty everywhere, Nor any one with brains. Had a decent chat with a friend today. And yes I am once again reveling in my singledom. I guess physical appeal attracts all of us but if it is for momentary pleasure, is it worth hankering after? Nah..my friend made me realize this. So ladies and gentlemen, what I am saying is I guess if a guy or girl is coveted just for the fact of being good looking, then so much the better for them. But does this mean that if some of us are running behind looks, all of us should join the run? Hmmm.......I know it might appear that since I have no better option so I spend my time writing about pointless crushes and then discarding them.

But what I realized today was the value of good company. There are two kinds of people- people who make you happy and people who make you sad. In 2009, I have had the good opportunity to meet both kinds. Then there have also been people who sometimes make you happy and sometimes..sad. But did you find anyone who always makes you happy? Or if not always, most of the time happy with intelligent thoughts, awesome humor and intellectual conversations? Well, I met such a friend today. Honestly I don't know whether I should write about this friend or follow up from my last topic. But to a great extent this follow up was possible because of him. I did intend to write one article against some dude who "thinks" he is cool but is not but that would have been mostly an outburst of rage. My friend did help me to cool down, to calm down, to relax.

And I guess what I realized once again was since I have no control over other people's actions, is it worth my while to shout and react at the top of my lungs when they are doing the same? Why should it matter when someone calls you names? Why should it matter that your partner has to be the handsomest of all- just for the sake of other's compliments? Aah...effects of hanging out with the popular kids...their temperaments never suited me....But I won't blame them all- I have a perceptive nature and absorb a lot of things I see- some good, some bad- for me. But time does tell me what things really "suit" me and what not. Would I trade humility for good looks? Nah...Realized it today..I won't. Kind of person that I am , I would have worried about what I was not getting instead of what I am getting. My friend convinced me to look towards the positive.

So ladies and gentlemen, I will look towards the positive, at least try to, try to live a fulfilled and motivated life. Nothing is impossible as long as you have people who care for you....

Here's to 2010 and many more such years to come!

Pyaar Impossible?

Is it really true? Impossible for a "beauty" to fall in love with a "geek"?? The optimists and idealists of society would say "It's so not true.. Love is a matter of the heart" but we know better. Love is a thing of the heart (for many) but does this "thing of the heart" have nothing to do with "looks"? Would we all be so bold enough to proudly say that we all see the "inner beauty" of the person and not the outer one? Does it really not matter?

For most of us, it does matter. At the time of writing this post, I am watching the promos of Pyaar Impossible. Must say, it is interesting. Yes, in spite of Uday Chopra. Though I got shocked a bit after seeing the "hero" (?) of the movie, my initial shock has given way to a pleasant anticipation. I guess part of the anticipation lies in the fact that I myself am more of a geek. My friends might jump up at this revelation in protest but I know what I am and where I fit. For some days, I have been watching the trailers again and again and more of the title song where Priyanka dresses up as a geek and tries to find a guy who would be "meri gyaharayio par ho fida". Does it happen? Well I was not able to find the full length of the video..but the song ends with Priyanka ending up convinced that Pyaar for a geek is Impossible.

Well what can you say. I dunno if I want to watch the movie yet. Mainly cause I am scared of Uday Chopra. And Jugal Hansraj as well. But PC is looking irresistible. I would not be wrong if I said I am crushing on her quite a bit these days. A true beauty and not only of the features but also of the brains. The way she walks and talks and even sings is enough to blow your mind away. Does not only think of lipsticks and nail polish but also has attitude! That's my girl! When a girl is beautiful and intelligent but men chase her only because of her beauty, it can be very frustrating. But does this bother Priyanka so much that she decides to search for a man who would only look at her depth? I don't think so.

At least the song does not appear such. It more of seems like a ploy of the eternal romantic Priyanka to convince Uday that "Pyaar of a beauty to a geek is not Impossible". How far the director is able to convince the audience about this remains a matter to be seen.

Till then, I am humming..."Pyaar Impossible...".

P.S: In the event, that I decide to watch this movie, I believe like the previous two romantic movies I watched, namely, Love Aaj Kal and Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani, I will also have to watch this one with "Main aur meri tanhai".... But if this "geek" is able to find someone before that, I will let you know. ;)

Teddy

I was in the midst of writing another poem but one of my friend's comment on the previous poem really discouraged me. But I am not done. I will publish another poem very soon.. :P However this post was long overdue I felt. For a while now, I have held back my emotions about Teddy, can't seem to do so anymore.

Ah well..you guys who read my blog are well accustomed to bearing my occasional outbursts of nervous energy..which is the "normal" me most of the time. But this post is special. It is special because it is about my brother. My brother who has now been gone for a year and two months. We were so similar, my brother and me. He took after me. I remember writing about Kaluram (a poem, this one too) who was his cousin (I believe) from the same street from which we picked Teddy up. But Teddy's demise left such a huge gap in our lives that I did not quite know how to fill it up with one of my meagre pieces.

Then why now? Because I was going through the photos of a Prof. in FB and she had this cute little puppy...he is so much like my Teddy. He yawns, spreads his feet and his body and is soo small. Seeing him reminded me of Teddy so much that I had to write about my little brother who is now in heaven.

On a wintry November night, Teddy came to our house. He was small and black. My sister and brother-in-law brought him to our house and then bathed him with warm water. He had many worms on him. The most surprising thing about him was that though we brought him up and bathed him with water, he did not utter a single sound. He was visibly uncomfortable and did not appreciate the dampness of water. But not a single sound.

It was then that I put forward a question. "Is he dumb?". No one answered. My brother-in-law said that in this species dumbness is not seen generally. So they took him home. Next day my sister called. "You know Ma, last night we were afraid that he was dumb. After bringing him home and keeping him for one night, we have realized that it would be much better had he been dumb." Her happy words said it all. Teddy had cried so much after staying one night in their home that their landlord had come and complained about it.

He was a handful, my little Teddy. Since both my sister and brother-in-law worked, he had to stay alone in the house and he would complain about it by shouting at the top of his lungs. So my sister requested us to take him home. I am not a very friendly person, as my friends know and though I love animals more than people, I was against keeping an animal in home. They require a lot of work and attention and I was simply not comfortable with it. So they left Teddy from where they had picked him up and went away crying.

My mother, a very gentle and compassionate lady found this to be unacceptable and went off to search for him. I guess some of my humanity awoke inside me and I went to help her. But we could not find him. Later that evening we were going to my tuition classes. The path which led to the main road was where I saw a little black figure jumping around. It was small and I was not sure whether or not to call it. My mother too saw and pointed it out to me. It was then that I called. But even before I called, he saw me and came running towards me. It was then that I knew that that was Teddy.

Since then he spent the rest of his short life with us.

(to be continued)

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

When was the last time anyone did something special for you? Do you remember? Right at this point of time, I am trying to remember one myself. Not that it is very difficult to find, it is just that, the memories have become a bit obscure and have also been brought down by the weakness of my sick throat.

I can however tell you lots ; seeing that I have a good memory; like the time when one of my acquaintances chose to handle his temper when we were supposedly having an argument about nothing and asked me repeatedly what happened and why I was behaving like that. Nothing special, huh? Well for me it was. Never expected him to even try to understand my feelings, so it was special.

Then there is another instance I remember. My "friend"(I have a bad reputation in this, as I don't make friends easily. The contestants have to pass through several hurdles before they can prove their loyalty to me. I know this makes me sound like a horrible person. Well, can't help it really!) helped me to get off stress during the one hour we spent in a journey together. How?

Here comes the catch. I seem to shed all ornaments of civilization and propriety when I am with her. My other acquaintances, even friends would scream in horror to see the apparent downfall of a "good little church girl" like me when I am with her. And you know what makes it worse? The fact that I enjoy it to the core!!

Talking of stress, are friends stress relievers or stress givers? Well, some of them give me a lot of stress. Do I hate them for that? No. But I do get irritated sometimes. And before you even ask, let me tell you that if one of my friends got irritated with me when I came up with a problem, I would not like it at all. I would be hurt. But when my friends come up with problems like that, I become worried about them even though sometimes I might get irritated. And that gives me a lot of stress. But I am growing up. Or just may be with time, we learn to handle stuff, even the most difficult of them.

Coz when you know you have to handle a difficult problem, you might try to run away from it; once however the problem is presented to you, then there is no point in trying to run away, we just sit and do our best to solve it. Kind of like a Maths exam, it is.

But tell me, what happens when your deepest, darkest fears come true? When the thing you fear the most in life comes back to haunt you showing its ugly head time and again? The thing which you have tried to avoid all your life in the sincere hopes that you never have to face it, what happens when you are forced to face it? And this done unknowingly by a friend? Do you thank her? Do you spite her? Are you scared of her? Or do you simply choose to avoid her?

I do remember what I said about the Maths problem. But this is bigger. And you do have a choice to escape, and I seem to consider not escaping from the clutches of the dragon while I still have a choice, an awfully stupid move. I am not a bloody Harry Potter for God's sake!

In this respect, I am reminded of another of the two souls I have encountered on the face of the earth. As I said, I don't make friends easily. But some people have a way with you. Now it is not easy to impress me, but who doesn't say that? There are some things each of us likes and if you know exactly where to tickle a person, that person is bound to be impressed by you.

So anyways, I am not saying that these people tried to tickle me or anything, but they had ways about them which I liked. Now in the first case, what happened was I was so blinded by affection that I could not see the details, even tried not to observe them- for the first time in my life, in friendship, I gave more importance to emotions than logic.

And I paid the price. I was about to lose some of my very good buddies, people I would not have considered my "friends" otherwise except if not for this incident. But the way they maintained their trust and faith in me, I was grateful for their support. Never could believe that something like this could have happened. So yes, this incident was a boon in the form of a curse.

Will I ever figure out why this alleged person tried to create a rift between me and my friends? I don't know. But one thing, I don't have any sympathy for people who try to create differences between me and my loved ones and I can be ruthless while dealing with them at times.

Now to talk of this other soul I met. Funny, smart, helpful, creative. You cannot help but like such people, for the majority at least. Ever seen a person go through a series of metamorphosis to change so much so that he serves as a grim reminder of some old soul you met from the past? This person did. Memories of present people that remind you of some one you met earlier can be good, they can also be bad. Coz they can remind you of the bitter times you went through with the first person. So what do you do?

You feel an utmost urge to change the present person. Now an individual is not a piece of clay who you can shape according to your needs and desires. A human being is more like a natural phenomena- though these phenomena are more predictable at times. And this is what attracts and at the same time repeals me about them. Good to study but not worth while to form lasting relationships. Gosh, I am back into one of my pessimistic moods again. Anyway, so right now I am happy to be in the position of a mere observer before taking any further initiatives.

You learn a lot by observing people. They teach valuable lessons on life. This post has dealt with only some of the wonderful people I have met in my life. I don't know where this path will continue, as problems have already started to crop up; serious problems, problems that I am scared of solving or even acknowledging and problems that the other person does not even know exists. But I am glad I have met these people, they have widened my horizon on life and this is something I will forever owe to them.