Realization

You were such a good friend and now you are gone too

Go on leave me like all the others do...

A post long overdue. Anger. Despair. Fumes. Fight. Break up. Tears. Disbelief. An essential part of life gone. Fear. Of the Future. What will happen now?How can "you" be gone? Forever? Concert. Music. Fun. Tears at Night. Thinking of You. Thinking how unworthy I am of your friendship. How small am I? You were so important to me but apparently I am not that important to you. Rejected. Dejected. I am replaceable. Dispensable. Unwanted.

Second Phase. Making new Friends. Difficult. Not social enough. But have to get out of the first phase. What's the point? Getting your self respect back; that's the point. You are not dispensable. You are not replaceable. You are not rejected. It is possible for people to love you. Want you. Otherwise, there would be no hope at all. No hope of living. Do you want that? Dunno. Scared. Of both sides. But undertaking a venture, taking a risk, solving a problem given at hand; that's my nature. And the Result....

..is not so bad after all. Loving people are present. For whom I am not dispensable. Who don't only talk to me out of kindness. Who don't only listen to me out of a sense of duty for "friendship". Who really like me for the person that I am. And I am surprised at how much I can achieve. A zest. A vigor. A new spirit fueled by the desire to NOT feel bad. NOT be melancholy even though that was the original nature. To NOT be pessimistic. Have to prove something. I can live without you. Look, how happy I am. I was not so happy when I was with you! Inwardly missing you. But the tears are gone. Gradually replaced by the happy memories of the friendship that once existed. This time it was not just a word. This time it was over, for final.

But it was good while it lasted. May be it was for the best. I was getting more and more dependent on you. And it does not work if it's one way. It becomes a burden to the other person, a source of embarrassment to the one. Fear of rejection is always present. It is better to harbor such feelings for someone who would appreciate it. The wound heals up gradually. New friends stir life up. Learn to depend on them. On her. The Lady with the Golden Smile. Would she leave me too? She says she won't. She knows about the past. But no one knows about the future, right? But this is good while it still lasts.

This lady has a lot of friends too. But she never ignores me. She cares for me. She listens to me. Never says she is too busy to talk to me. It's more of a "real relationship" than a "virtual" one. I guess that's why her words make clearer sense. Past feelings, past people however still haunt. Hence deletion of account. A new life. In the "real" world.

Optimism. Strength. Value of Oneself. Hope. Courage. Conviction that I am right...

Realization of own mistakes. Trying to rectify them. But you did not accept. Sad. A Bit Angry. But the feeling of loss is gone. A renewed strength and spirit. Your wish. I tried..

Third Phase. A message. Formal talks. Ice starts to break. Felt nice. But do I want to go back in time again? Wasn't it all over? How can I start it all over again? Difficult. Is so much of intimacy good? After all it's again going to end on a sore note. Confusion. You are nice. Friendly. The qualities I admired in you once. You say you were never serious about the fight. But I was. So...? Where does it go from here?

I don't want to hurt you. But I also don't want to get hurt again. I am over you. Done depending on you. You ask me what is wrong. I refuse. Don't want to rely on you again. Unforgiving? More like timid. You left everything broken. I alone had to build from scratch. Now I am sane. I am happy. Now you have returned. But I am scared of being broken down again. I am scared of getting rejected. Again.

Thankfully, I have a strong mind to think things out. Things are not as simple as they seem. I still like you. I still want to be your friend. But at what cost? Sure it's not worth it to submit oneself completely to someone? And then be rejected? How would you feel if something like that happened to you?

But that's the point. You have lots of friends. You will never have to feel the pathos of loving and not getting loved in return. I on the other hand cannot afford that luxury. The handful of friends that I have, I intend to keep each one of them. None of them is replaceable. Dispensable. No, not even you. You will always be you. No one will take your place. But the way I was once with you...I don't want to be like that with you again just to make you happy. It would be kindness and a duty for friendship, but not from the heart.

Your place in my heart was empty. You have come to reclaim that place. You are away. I feel a vacuum. I feel an empty space. I miss you. But I am scared to admit it. I am scared to feel it. To express it. You expect me to feel for you the same way as I once did. You are physically absent. I get angry. How can you expect me to feel things when you are away on such short notice. I didn't think I would miss you. But now I do.

You are persuasive. Bright and optimistic. But I am not as courageous as you. The fear of rejection from you still persists.

I need to find a balance.