Butter

He longed for the thin-legged, slim-waisted lasses, and lusted for their beautiful sweet mouths. The only ones who ever had him however, were the fat, unattractive girls. Butter was forever unsatiated.

Evening Breeze

The warm evening breeze kissed me fondly, like the memories of first love. The leaves whispered restlessly as the streetlights muted to a dim glow. My heart began humming a distant melody. Evenings like these made me want to dance in the street, without a care in the world.

Then, three men sprang up from the corner of my set, and jumped up to pee by the side of a house. So much so for a romantic evening.

The Andalusian Dog

I wait for the teacher in the empty class. It is air-conditioned. Oh, no. Cut. Scene change. There is one more character in the room. A guy with his laptop who eyes me now and then. I see him, sigh and sit down next to him. He has a laptop. He starts to play cheesy Bangla "romantic" songs or something to that effect. Something in my head screams, "MORON". I don't let his laptop finish the first line of the song, barely wait to hear which language it is in. I drop my bag abruptly and leave the room. Outside it is hotter. 


I move towards the open window at the end of the corridor. It has a neat bench and lots of fresh air. Cool breeze comes rushing in every three seconds. I look towards the staffroom. Another sigh, this time a deeper one. Wish he was here. So gentlemanly. He looks at me, I look at him. He even switched on the AC for me last time. He is so brilliant, so...what do you call it, "avant-garde"! I ask ma'am whether she is going to take class. She says, "Yes, Definitely. But let others come." Tough luck. 


I message one of my classmates saying it is times like these when I miss her the most. Critical times. Meanwhile the laptop guy (I have a terrible desire to call him "MORON" for the rest of the story but I will control myself), comes out with his phone pretending to speak as if on the phone with someone, just so he could come and look if I am still there. 


For the second (or third?) time, my brain screams, MORON! Try something new. So then thankfully, our teacher arrives and she saves me from further torture. Or so I thought. He and I are the only ones attending the class today. So he asks me how many classes have gone by, and I am quick to answer, "I don't know." Small Talk. 


" Have there been more than 15 classes?" He continues. 
"Yes, I think so". 
"This is her first class?" He points to the teacher. 
"No, second." I say quietly. Pointless question because she was just talking about what she taught in the first class the day before.


And then my teacher looks for help to me as she goes on teaching new things about video, film and digital media. I put in an occasional helpful nod but hardly say anything, coz let's face it, I was sleeping in the first class. And how was I to know that nobody from last class would be here? Where is he? Mr. Chatterjee? He always knew the right things to say. He is such an amazing teacher. He's so quirky, so eccentric. Sighing I sadly update my FB status, but even that's difficult when there's only two of you and the teacher is looking right at you. And yes, someone else too. 


And then comes the icing on the cake. We are shown a surrealist film. Now those of you who are remotely acquainted with surrealism know that it is a magnificent and inexplicable thing. So I won't even try to explain it. The magnificence of this inexplicable "ism" is surplussed in Surrealist movies. I had seen one such movie earlier and the class was then taken by the man who I now miss so ardently. The movie gave me a shock, and I remember feeling dizzy for the next twelve hours. This time we were shown a less sexually explicit movie. 


For those of you who want to know, an important part of surrealism was to deal with sexual repression as enshrined in Catholicism. The interpretation of dreams excited them. So what you basically have in these 1930s silent films is the release of sexual desires by means of dreams. Since the whole movie is a dream sequence, so anything can happen, anywhere. No logic of time or continuity is followed. So here we are shown this movie by artist Salvador Dalí and filmmaker Luis Buñuel called Un Chien Andalou or The Andalusian Dog. 


This was a famous sixteen minute movie which is till date considered a testament of Surrealism in Europe. The artist paints his pictures through moving images. So anyway, I never got Surrealist films. And this one had an elaborate scene where the man who is dreaming continuously holds on to the woman's bosom. She refuses, then closes her eyes, then threatens to hit him with a stick. Quite frankly, the characters moved like cartoons and I found it so funny, I wanted to laugh out loud. But all I could manage was a little smirk. And it was killing me.


The pain of not being able to laugh because some stupid guy is sitting next to me eyeing me. I don't like anybody staring at me. It is embarrassing. If I like that person, I would look away even if he was staring at me. And if I don't like that person, I'd do the same. So yeah, there's no way of knowing.So anyway, the torture ended for the class ended soon enough. And as soon as it did, I bumped my notebook and pen in my bag and ran off from the class. Halfway out of the department, I realized I had forgotten my handkerchief in class. It was a judgment call.


Hanky important or Guy, I wondered. You will leave your faithful comrade Hanky in some unclaimed classroom because you want to run away from a stupid guy? Be brave.All decided under 30 seconds. It's not much to think about, but then I think about almost everything under the sun. Even the sun. Sometimes I feel I am a big thinktank, a tank full of thought. So I take a long jump back to class, snatch my hanky and make a run for the door again. The guy is still there. He catches up with me just as I am about to put on my shoes. 


He is running so fast he almost bumps into me. "Sorry". He says looking down, searching for his shoes. I don't care to mutter a reply or even look at him. Hardly putting my feet in the sandals, I make a run for the stairs. 3 floors of stairs. I sprint down the stairs, two at a time, like Jet Lee in some Kung Fu movie. He catches up with me as if Michael Johnson.


"Hey you study in this college, na?" 


Small Talk. I hate small talk.


"Yeah", I reply continuing my flexible stair sprinting skills. Jet Lee, how I admire thee!


"Which Department?" He tries to keep up with me. My feet hurt. He's smiling.

"Comparative Literature", I mutter. I don't like being rude. I also don't like being chased down a building. Yet here I am.

And then it comes. "Will you give me your number?" Think think. He's your classmate. Quite natural for him to ask for your number. What to do.

"Why?" The word comes out of my mouth surprising both me and him. 


"Well, I would get to know when classes will happen. I don't know na, that's why." Moron. The course is about to end and you don't know timings! What an excuse!


Quietly I say, "Course will end next week. Next class is last class."


"How do you know? They said they could extend the course till May."

"We were told."


"How do you know? Did you ask them?"

Now when confronted with individuals with less IQ, I stop and explain them things with minute detailing. "Gifted" people need to be explained things. And I would have even in this case, if not....


"Sir came. He talked to us. He said this month we will have the last class. No extension."

"Actually, I am here only for this month. After that, I will leave. In May."

Wtf! Am I supposed to shed tears for you now, MORON? 


Obviously he was very hurt by my "coldness" or "indifference" or I don't know what, but he went away. I stopped for a while. Checked my mobile. Pretended to read an important message. And then resumed walking. Ouch, my feet hurt.

And I thought, "Was I rude to him? Was it bad manners? Poor guy. Did I hurt him?"


And then my devilish side kicked the angel inside me to an unconscious state and I happily went for my bus. :) 

Hurray its 2010!

Hurray it's 2010! Dance around everyone..pretend to be happy..pose for the camera....Even if you are dying inside, make a smiling face..at least for the camera folks..

Rage, hurt, despair, these are the emotions engulfing me now.I guess I will just take a chill pill, what say folks? After all, that is all you need to enjoy life..Chilling.

Now now my readers might be wondering what the enormous burst of sarcasm for? They just expect innocent good little honest posts from my blog. But a little bit of sarcasm is not bad all the time, what say? After all when everyone is enjoying and no one is forcing you to do anything (or anybody), why the sadness? Why the despair? You take your own decisions right? The only way people take advantage of you is when you allow them to. Right? We are all "modern" individuals here. We take our own decisions, we do not let anything bad happen to us and if we are not happy with ourselves- it is our fault! C'mon welcome life with wide open arms, and life will welcome you. What are you sad for? What are you hurt for? Everyone keep smiling in the land of God, opportunities..blah blah

And don't let anyone see your tears, or feel your fears, coz they won't understand. They never do, do they? You pretend to be happy and they are all over you. You show your vulnerabilities and they either take advantage of you or glorify themselves at your expense. Marvelous, isn't it? What a pretty little world with pretty little people! Small minds, small hearts. You are weak, you can't take the brutal force of life, so you do not have any right to participate in the rat race (are you a rat btw?) You worry too much, you are too sensitive, you are not fit for today's world. Be strong, be independent. Give your best. Don't depend on people too much. Has anyone ever told them that animals are much better than human beings?

They do not want you to be like them, they accept you the way you are. I know now why I was always a misfit among human beings. Unsocial, selfish- I am not new to these words. May be it's for the best. Get your work done, trample these little insects and show their rightful place to where they really belong. Coz that's what human beings are there for- to be taken advantage of. Be strong, be independent.

This new year I take a resolution, I will trample as many of these little insects as I can, take advantage of them, show their rightful place. Nice hobby it will be. Business and pleasure both achieved all at once! As they say, the wolf in disguise is more dangerous than the tiger in front of you. ;)

Till then, SSshhhhh.....Don't tell anyone!

Random Thoughts

It's been quite a while since my last post. Truth of the matter is that I did not have anything to write. Or may be I had a lot to write just did not know how. So many things happened so quickly. I was losing my cool, becoming hysteric. But then three consecutive classes of conflict management helped a lot. If I could, I would never want these classes to end.

They give me the booster dose I need in surviving in the jungle of human beings. Matter of fact, I hate human beings. I love most animals but I hate human beings. As Feluda said once, conflict with a dangerous animal is much easier to handle than conflict with even the simplest of human beings. The conflicts have not been sorted out yet. But this time, I won't be the first one to take a step. Will I empathize with the ones who wronged me?

Let's see. Technically I should. But my logic and emotions flow in opposite directions. Empathy is something that comes natural to me in case of strangers and that does not come at all in case of near and dear ones. So right now, I am busy thinking whether I want to keep any relations that pain me at all.

It's true that not having them would pain me even more but time is a big healer as I have already seen. No one is perfect but do I have the courage to forgive the mistakes of loved ones even when they hurt me? I guess time will tell.

As of now I am in a stable condition (which by the way is a very temporary condition) and I don't know how long I will be sane again. I guess unless the matters are sorted out, I will be restless. Can I not approach them? Sure I can. I just don't want to. For I have done no wrong.

Guess it's not my rational self but my ego speaking again. Sometimes I wonder though if all of us became such perfect beings owing to counselling courses, the world would become a very peaceful place. But would that not take away the life from us? Always having to behave rationally, logically. It is so difficult. And painful.

Back in real life, work is already piling up. I am not comfortable with pending work. My few days of viral fever has already loosened the all-time loose screws in my brain. I was acting madly for a few days. Screaming, pushing people away- only because they were getting on my nerves. I am not fully recovered till now. Oh and the swine flu scare got me too- and I was mistaking my fever for the flu. Guess it was just fever after all.

I damaged my own sim and invited virus to my comp. set and they were all ill till yesterday. Now they are ok. Ah my poor baby comp! How I missed thee... Shall I compare thee to a lovely summer's morn?

But enough of it now. I still have to submit an attested copy of my recent marksheet for the admission to the PG course. I still have to get my I-Card done. My results by the way were quite impressive. CGPA (Hons) was 9.51 and CGPA (ED) was 9.75.

Not the best. But I am pretty glad, you know. Atleast something going right in life. This is one of the things that can go right coz it does not involve the "human" factor. Lord, how I detest human agents. They will only spoil a work not contribute to it. I work much better when I work alone.

Speaking of results, I am quite unsure of whether I shall pass this time- considering I sleep through most of the morning classes and our HOD has asked me more than once why I am missing classes. Thought of telling her what I do in the mornings (i.e sleep) but then decided against my better judgment.

My internal assessments are rocking- i.e they are on the rocks. I badly need a change, specially from people who agitate me so much. Escapism? Dunno. Don't care also. I am not the sweeper- as in you know, people make mistakes and you keep on sweeping them away, like the crow. Think I am being delusional? You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Talking of spending time with oneself, I watched a movie today. Love Aaj Kal it was called. I considered the possibility of whether I wanted to write a review on it but the film had nothing worthy to be reviewed in it at least by my standards. I liked it though.

I watched the movie alone, in a near to empty hall munching away at a Rs.75 popcorn. It was pretty fun though. So many people discouraged me while going to the movie saying that it was not worth it. But I still went. I was in a romantic mood and had to see the film.

I remembered that the last thing I asked one of my classmates before going to watch the movie was whether or not it was "logical". I was about to laugh at my own words later on while watching the movie because the very concept challenged my notions of rationality.

Two people break up because they know that the going will get tougher with time. Hehe! I would have been tempted to do the same thing! I loved Rishi Kapoor when he said that "our" generation has brains but no heart. Alas!

Giselle is good. She does not have many dialogues in the film but she embodies the very "Indian" concept of beauty in her looks, poise and she does it with dignity. Saif pretty much replays his roles in Hum Tum and Tara Rum Pum without much change. His Swiss girlfriend looks a lot like Miley Cyrus.

But the icing on the cake is Deepika. She's hot, she's sexy and she will make men go nuts after her and make women want to be like her. I know at least I did.

The very epitome of sophistication, Deepika would not embody any less than a modern day 'femme fatale', the kind that makes men go weak in their knees, not only because of her looks but because of her very personality. She is not that typical Hindi film heroine who cries for her lover. She is the one who does not hesitate to tell him what she thinks of his sister, how idiot he looks when he "tries" to look sexy.

When Saif tells him that she should not drink too much as he has "taken advantage" of her in such situations, Deepika blankly tells him that she acted on being drunk so that he "could" take advantage of her. When Saif tells her that it seemed she had stopped trying to look beautiful after their break up, Deepika jokingly says that she had "been heartbroken" by the break up.

Such is the capacity of laughter- it can portray even the most striking snub in a positive way. I could go on about the overpowering force of laughter to lash upon patriarchal society which always tries to "save" a woman in distress (agitation) as has also been portrayed by Hindi films but I think you get my drift.

I must say that one complaint which I always had about Deepika is that she seems very detached in her roles. No overpowering sense of emotion, no passion. Love Aaj Kal is not different. But here the character suits Deepika's sense of detachment.

Did I mention that Deepika behaves like a positive Capricorn throughout the film? Imtiaz Ali's previous film Jab We Met also portrayed Shahid Kapoor as a complete negative Capricorn. I could immensely relate to him and I do relate to Deepika in some ways in this movie.

She does a good job and if you are still wondering whether or not to go watch this movie, I will give it a 3.5 out of 5 stars. If you are experimental and in a romantic mood, then probably you should go for this movie. But don't expect it to be anywhere near to Jab We Met.

There you go, I have given you a complete review of a movie in a post about my personal life. It's 2:30 am now. I better go sleep or tomorrow I will be missing my HOD's class again.

Tc and keep rockin!