Loving in Oblivion

Seems like yesterday

I was a kid growing up.

I said 'I love you' hoping against hope.

And you said nicely, 'Thank you'.

Through the tears I laughed.

You were funny alright.

And I had thought we'd be just fine.

Damn free will, I smiled.

What had I hoped for, after all?

Then my best friend, my confidant

Fled up the farthest wall,

When I told him it made me jealous

That he got involved with another girl.

Other men I have liked, 

But dared not express.

My affection comes off as rudeness

As I die to escape.

Their gaze.

Their presence.

Their very touch.

The sound of their voice.

It just gets lonely here sometimes.

Lonely and terribly cold.

I hope I don't stumble into the darkness,

I have worked so hard to be free from.

Because the darkness, it unleashes

The demon I shelter inside.

The Song of Love

I

I was waiting for you Susana. I was standing in the rain, looking at the leaves. The water dripping over the new leaves. The glistening green. The first rains of the season. I waited. For you. I didn't need anybody else if you were with me Susana. You, I loved you. You were the sole reason of my existence, the sole harbinger of my happiness. I remembered you. You and I.... we were meant to be together. Forever. I am still waiting...

"Sir", the voice broke his day dreams. He looked up. It was their family servant. "Ma'am is asking whether you are joining her for dinner or not."

"Tell her I'm not hungry". He looked down, overcome by the sudden water in his eyes. He got a call. The voice on the other side sounded rough. He answered, cold and confident. "I don't care... when will they pay the money?...Good. Get the full money. And then..shoot them." He put his phone down.

II

The first time I saw you. That was the first time I fell in love. I did not think you would even look at me. But you did. I was overjoyed. You and Me....that was how life was supposed to be. We got married in a hurry. And all this timeI thought, it was because you couldn't wait to be with me....It was because you loved me. I smiled coz of you....But now.

Sitting at the breakfast table, she was thinking. The servant came and informed her that the master would not be coming. "Not hungry?" She smiled pitifully at him. "Fine. Take away the dishes". 

"But Ma'am...", the old servant who was too old not to notice the subtleties of the people in the empty house  protested meekly.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine", she smiled and left. She went to her room and watched out the window. It had begun to rain. The raindrops flowed against the smooth glass. Her hands on the glass, she desperately tried to break free.

III

I nestled in your warm breasts. Even when he beat you. The warm nest that you made with your hands. The safest place. He wouldn't be able to hurt me there. You and I..... I, in the shadow of you......Nursed with your milk, your kindness. How could you leave me? Even when he came that day, I hid into my nest. But you...there was nothing to save you. I couldn't protect you even though you had protected me all life! He left. And I sat near you. Calling you. Asking you to wake up. But you never did. I am still waiting for you to wake up....

He came near her. She sat up. "I...thought you were sleeping", he chose his words carefully. 

"Why are you here?" She asked with a  lifelessness in her voice.

His voice shivered. He couldn't speak. "I...I came to see how you were doing."

"I am fine. Go away." She remained cold.

He went towards the small window beside her bed. The rain was still falling. "I was thinking today," he said quietly, "do you remember we used to have so much fun during rainfall? Whenever the first rains came, we would run out into the vast green plains and get wet. There was no stopping us." His eyes looked in the distance, beyond the glass, the water, even beyond the horizon, desperately searching for those innocence-filled days.

Her eyes flickered. 

"Where were you? And why are you so wet Susana?" A stern voice asked.

"Papi, I'm sorry", the little girl replied scared. "I got wet."

The sturdy figure gave out a hearty laugh. "Come here my little girl", Susana approached fearfully. Her father picked her up in his arms, "My little girl....don't you realize that if you get wet, you will fall sick? Now quick..." He put her down. "Go inside and ask your mother to come", he replied smilingly. 

Her mother was stitching. "Mami, Papi's calling you", the little girl cheerfully informed. Her mother was deeply engrossed in the needlework; she pricked her fingers. Generous blood oozed out.....

Susana stared. The cries of her mother echoed through her. 

"....and if you need anything," He was trying to say, desperately trying to make his voice heard, the kind he had done for the past fifteen years, "Just tell the nurse". He smiled. "See you Susana". And he left.

The rain was still flowing.

Somewhere a woman stood, in the rain, waiting for her love to return…

P.S: I am profoundly indebted to the brilliant novel Pedro Paramo by Juan Rulfo for this piece. 

Roots

Times change. People change. Memories Fade. But some memories..never fade. Or do they? You are traveling light heartedly engrossed in thought. Suddenly you see something. A newly built café. Quaint. Reminds you of a time lost, a memory forgotten. Another Restaurant. Heavy rain. Festive Season. You with a dear one. Little hands holding on to firm premature hands. Premature by hardship. Premature by struggle. You are seeing the world with big frightened eyes; feeling security in those firm hands. Firm young hands. Firm not by age but by overwork. The two of you enter that big restaurant. Both are extremely hungry. Greedily the menu card is opened. Dishes you don’t even know the names of. Sooo many…and they all seem so tasty. One dish. But..the price…. Okk another dish. This one costs less. But there is money only for one. How can you buy one plate of vegetable curry in such a posh restaurant? No money to order two plates. Quietly the two of you close the menu card, grin at each other at the idiocy of the prices and hold hands. Quietly the two of you step outside the restaurant in the blistering rain. The manager looks up from his newspaper. He takes a look at the departing strangers and goes back to reading.

Outside. In the Blistering Rain. The grins broaden. Wholehearted laugh. He saw us. Hehe. He didn’t say anything. What would he think? Goodness, to hell with that! Who charges soo much? We could have ordered at least something doesn’t it look bad? The premature voice of the firm hands comforts the little hands. Dhurr… Who cares? Let’s go find something to eat. Onekkhon khidey peyeche….

Times change. People… yes People also change. Sadly. But memories …do they fade that easily? You are ordering Biriyani from a posh restaurant. You keep the phone down and smile. The premature eyes have become more deeply set now. The eyes look at you and both smile instantly. Remember? Yes I do. How can I forget? Times change. But our roots don’t. Our roots make us who we are.

The bus. The quaint café. Sigh. Days of hardship are over. At least for now. But where are the premature eyes, the firm hands? The hands on which your whole world rested? The eyes were wide and bright. The firm hands had long shapely fingers. Where are they now?

Past. Togetherness. Love. Bond.

Present. Freedom. Alienation. Memory?

The bus speeds on. You look away and continue listening to music. 

Touch- The Second Coming

All was forgiven and forgotten. Now as he stood near her with loving gaze, she realized how much she had loved him, missed him. The room was dark. Scattered rays of sun came through the only window in the room. She was standing next to it. He was standing behind her. Suddenly he touched her hand. She shivered. His contact with her. The first time. She closed her eyes. He was with her. She could feel his smile on her face. His sweet smile. The one that had made her heart go awry. She could feel him closer. His breath fell heavily on her neck. The soft neck. Slowly she felt a kiss on the neck. A soft kiss. She trembled. She couldn't believe he was kissing her. All that time, the first time, when he had hurt her, rejected her love, all was gone. He was with her now. Forever. She smiled.

She took his hand and kissed. She didn't want him to leave. Ever. She opened her eyes, looked at his hand, kissed it again. He slowly turned her towards him. She looked up at him. He was smiling."I..I can't believe you are back."

"Back..When did I leave?" He spoke in his honey sweet voice.

"I mean..you..you hated me. I can't believe that you are with me..now." She mumbled. Expressing herself had always been difficult.

"Shhh.." He pulled her closer to him. "I never hated you. But yes, I do think you are stubborn, crazy and basically..just plain weird." He gave her a naughty wink.

"Oh really?" Now the twinkle was in her eyes. "So what are you doing with me, Mr. Smartass? "

"Actually I did not want you to go any crazier than you already are.." There was that smile again, spreading to his dreamy eyes. The eyes that made her heart jump. The eyes that she couldn't take her gaze off.

Once she had kept on looking at them even though she was aware that he had noticed. It was a gathering, they were playing a game. And in the midst of all the crowd, she had simply kept on staring at his eyes. Those kind eyes. It had taken a harmless question on his part to make her stare away. They were playing Antakshari, a game where the opposite team had to sing with the last vowel of the song by the team.

They were in opposite teams. And throughout a particular song, she had kept on staring at him. All were singing. He had noticed her, but she kept on gazing at him. So when the song ended, he asked her what vowel should they sing with, just to check whether she was intently playing the game or lost somewhere. She being ever vigilant, quickly replied.

All that time he had defended her against a minor taunting question by a classmate echoed through her. She couldn't believe he really was with her. She had forgotten about him. Especially after she had seen him with that friend. She had run out of the college crying. That girl had taunted her so many times. But now...he was with her? Enough. She didn't want to remember the past. It was too hurting, too scary. What mattered was the present. And he.

He pulled her closer to himself. He was warm. She grasped him tightly. Her nails pierced his shirt. He winced.

"Goodness you are wild", he said naughtily.

"Oh sorry." She pulled away embarrassed.

"And yes..stop apologizing all the time." He said with a twinkle in his eye and pulled her closer to himself again.

She looked at him with big brown eyes. He was optimistic. He always helped people even if they were not his close friends. His kindness, his sensitivity had attracted her and she had respected him. Till that day. That day which had sent her running and crying off. Since that incident she had tried hard to forget him. And she had. Until now. Until this day when he held her in his warm comforting embrace.

He looked at her longingly. Then he slowly bent his face down, his lips coming closer to hers...

And then all was dark.

"Wake up!!" The sound of her mother's shrill voice broke her dream. "Don't you have class today?"

"Huh?" Her vision was still clouded by his eyes, his whole being, his check shirt, his warm embrace. "Uh...no...No. I won't go to class today." Have to write something, she thought; a smile spread across her lips. And she went back to her dreams.

The First Part: http://sojournoflife.blogspot.com/2010/09/touch.html

:)

A feeling of relief. A void engulfed me all these years. A void I had been living with. Finally that void is gone. I feel happy. I feel relaxed. So he too had liked me. Appreciated me. Cared for me all along. Noticed those small things. Remembered stuff even I hadn't noticed. And all this while, I thought it was impossible. All this while I thought it had been an illusion. He could never like me. He probably didn't even notice me. But he had. Noticed everything. Knew what I felt. And yes I got a whole list of lecture. Making him wait for nine years. Me waiting for nine years. But not telling him. Lol. But it was sweet. Coming from him. I don't know what to write. Except that the cloud of pessimism which had surrounded me since childhood has been removed. I see clear sky now. And the sun light. Days are warm, sweet, tender. I no more like to get lost in the crowd, in the dark. I still like darkness but I also realize light. Those nine years. They had not been wasted in vain. Patience surely does pay. And I am no more scared of light... :)

Family

So I was watching Ugly Betty today. I like it more than its Indian cousin which later transformed to a tortuous tear inciting imitation of an Ekta Kapoor serial. Today's episode conveyed something different. It was about the importance of family. Daniel's family. Betty's family. We never stop underestimating the power of our family, do we? But today's episode showed how important the power of a strong family is...

Daniel loses the son of Alexis, his brother to his grandparents who come all the way from France to take his custody. Alexis leaves the country when she gets relief from a case brought up by Wilhelmina. Daniel undergoes a heartbreak when DJ, his brother's son leaves him. On the other hand Gio is tremendously angry with Betty for breaking his heart. Betty's sister Hilda undergoes another heartbreak when her boyfriend, Tony's wife asks for another chance with her husband. She lets him go.

As one of my friends put it, it is the season of heartbreaks. Reel life is not much different. But amidst all these heartbreaks, the one thing that stayed strong were Daniel and Betty's families.

Daniel has never been much of a displayer of emotions but he cannot help but hug his brother when she (coz he has changed his sex) leaves the country. Past woes are forgiven and forgoten. The three of them- mother, brother and Daniel unite. Betty, her father and Hilda's son is there again to console Hilda with her heartbreak.

I loved this episode. In this modern age, we tend to materialize everything. We love to live with ourselves. But nothing like having a warm family in the midst of the cold Jan weather. Like for instance, I had a great day shopping with sister yesterday. Though I was dead tired, I loved the gifts I got as advance presents for my birthday. Today I spent a lot of time listening to my mother's adventures as a kid which she tells and retells. And they never cease to lose their charm for me. The village where she grew up, the meadows, the fresh air, her winning several titles in sports, the fun she had with her siblings, all the mischief she did, the numerous times when she got into a fight and quite naturally won such that both the young and the old were afraid of her made me exclaim that I would have given up had she been my daughter!

I guess what I mean to say is that I had lost touch with them for quite some time. But one day or even some hours with them is enough to rekindle the fire. At the end of the day, they are still there with you when you are hurt the most. They are there to celebrate your success- in fact, it would not be wrong to say that they are one of my biggest inspirations behind success. In all my blog posts, I don't remember a single post which I had contributed about them. I will never be able to thank them enough for what they have done for me. We do have our own differences but sometimes those come in between the many positives that we share.

This post is my minor attempt to thank them for everything they have done for me, the love they have showered upon me which I really don't feel I am worth of. I know I hurt them at times but I love them a lot. And I don't know what I would do without them...

The Return

Well I am sitting down to write my Blog after about 2 years. I went lazy and also did not find the time to write. But now, one person's views on sumthing has inspired me to continue my writing. So here I am , with my stray thoughts and silent views. As of now, no comments....... But soon, hopefully, I'll hav sumthing to say.......... Till then, Bye!

I'm BACKKKK!!!!