Wednesday, December 30, 2009


As I near the end of 2009, I seem to have quite a few revelations. My last post was about Pyaar Impossible, remember? Well it does not seem quite so impossible now. Beauty, beauty everywhere, Nor any one with brains. Had a decent chat with a friend today. And yes I am once again reveling in my singledom. I guess physical appeal attracts all of us but if it is for momentary pleasure, is it worth hankering after? friend made me realize this. So ladies and gentlemen, what I am saying is I guess if a guy or girl is coveted just for the fact of being good looking, then so much the better for them. But does this mean that if some of us are running behind looks, all of us should join the run? Hmmm.......I know it might appear that since I have no better option so I spend my time writing about pointless crushes and then discarding them.

But what I realized today was the value of good company. There are two kinds of people- people who make you happy and people who make you sad. In 2009, I have had the good opportunity to meet both kinds. Then there have also been people who sometimes make you happy and sometimes..sad. But did you find anyone who always makes you happy? Or if not always, most of the time happy with intelligent thoughts, awesome humor and intellectual conversations? Well, I met such a friend today. Honestly I don't know whether I should write about this friend or follow up from my last topic. But to a great extent this follow up was possible because of him. I did intend to write one article against some dude who "thinks" he is cool but is not but that would have been mostly an outburst of rage. My friend did help me to cool down, to calm down, to relax.

And I guess what I realized once again was since I have no control over other people's actions, is it worth my while to shout and react at the top of my lungs when they are doing the same? Why should it matter when someone calls you names? Why should it matter that your partner has to be the handsomest of all- just for the sake of other's compliments? Aah...effects of hanging out with the popular kids...their temperaments never suited me....But I won't blame them all- I have a perceptive nature and absorb a lot of things I see- some good, some bad- for me. But time does tell me what things really "suit" me and what not. Would I trade humility for good looks? Nah...Realized it today..I won't. Kind of person that I am , I would have worried about what I was not getting instead of what I am getting. My friend convinced me to look towards the positive.

So ladies and gentlemen, I will look towards the positive, at least try to, try to live a fulfilled and motivated life. Nothing is impossible as long as you have people who care for you....

Here's to 2010 and many more such years to come!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Pyaar Impossible?

Is it really true? Impossible for a "beauty" to fall in love with a "geek"?? The optimists and idealists of society would say "It's so not true.. Love is a matter of the heart" but we know better. Love is a thing of the heart (for many) but does this "thing of the heart" have nothing to do with "looks"? Would we all be so bold enough to proudly say that we all see the "inner beauty" of the person and not the outer one? Does it really not matter?

For most of us, it does matter. At the time of writing this post, I am watching the promos of Pyaar Impossible. Must say, it is interesting. Yes, in spite of Uday Chopra. Though I got shocked a bit after seeing the "hero" (?) of the movie, my initial shock has given way to a pleasant anticipation. I guess part of the anticipation lies in the fact that I myself am more of a geek. My friends might jump up at this revelation in protest but I know what I am and where I fit. For some days, I have been watching the trailers again and again and more of the title song where Priyanka dresses up as a geek and tries to find a guy who would be "meri gyaharayio par ho fida". Does it happen? Well I was not able to find the full length of the video..but the song ends with Priyanka ending up convinced that Pyaar for a geek is Impossible.

Well what can you say. I dunno if I want to watch the movie yet. Mainly cause I am scared of Uday Chopra. And Jugal Hansraj as well. But PC is looking irresistible. I would not be wrong if I said I am crushing on her quite a bit these days. A true beauty and not only of the features but also of the brains. The way she walks and talks and even sings is enough to blow your mind away. Does not only think of lipsticks and nail polish but also has attitude! That's my girl! When a girl is beautiful and intelligent but men chase her only because of her beauty, it can be very frustrating. But does this bother Priyanka so much that she decides to search for a man who would only look at her depth? I don't think so.

At least the song does not appear such. It more of seems like a ploy of the eternal romantic Priyanka to convince Uday that "Pyaar of a beauty to a geek is not Impossible". How far the director is able to convince the audience about this remains a matter to be seen.

Till then, I am humming..."Pyaar Impossible...".

P.S: In the event, that I decide to watch this movie, I believe like the previous two romantic movies I watched, namely, Love Aaj Kal and Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani, I will also have to watch this one with "Main aur meri tanhai".... But if this "geek" is able to find someone before that, I will let you know. ;)

Sunday, August 30, 2009


I was in the midst of writing another poem but one of my friend's comment on the previous poem really discouraged me. But I am not done. I will publish another poem very soon.. :P However this post was long overdue I felt. For a while now, I have held back my emotions about Teddy, can't seem to do so anymore.

Ah guys who read my blog are well accustomed to bearing my occasional outbursts of nervous energy..which is the "normal" me most of the time. But this post is special. It is special because it is about my brother. My brother who has now been gone for a year and two months. We were so similar, my brother and me. He took after me. I remember writing about Kaluram (a poem, this one too) who was his cousin (I believe) from the same street from which we picked Teddy up. But Teddy's demise left such a huge gap in our lives that I did not quite know how to fill it up with one of my meagre pieces.

Then why now? Because I was going through the photos of a Prof. in FB and she had this cute little puppy...he is so much like my Teddy. He yawns, spreads his feet and his body and is soo small. Seeing him reminded me of Teddy so much that I had to write about my little brother who is now in heaven.

On a wintry November night, Teddy came to our house. He was small and black. My sister and brother-in-law brought him to our house and then bathed him with warm water. He had many worms on him. The most surprising thing about him was that though we brought him up and bathed him with water, he did not utter a single sound. He was visibly uncomfortable and did not appreciate the dampness of water. But not a single sound.

It was then that I put forward a question. "Is he dumb?". No one answered. My brother-in-law said that in this species dumbness is not seen generally. So they took him home. Next day my sister called. "You know Ma, last night we were afraid that he was dumb. After bringing him home and keeping him for one night, we have realized that it would be much better had he been dumb." Her happy words said it all. Teddy had cried so much after staying one night in their home that their landlord had come and complained about it.

He was a handful, my little Teddy. Since both my sister and brother-in-law worked, he had to stay alone in the house and he would complain about it by shouting at the top of his lungs. So my sister requested us to take him home. I am not a very friendly person, as my friends know and though I love animals more than people, I was against keeping an animal in home. They require a lot of work and attention and I was simply not comfortable with it. So they left Teddy from where they had picked him up and went away crying.

My mother, a very gentle and compassionate lady found this to be unacceptable and went off to search for him. I guess some of my humanity awoke inside me and I went to help her. But we could not find him. Later that evening we were going to my tuition classes. The path which led to the main road was where I saw a little black figure jumping around. It was small and I was not sure whether or not to call it. My mother too saw and pointed it out to me. It was then that I called. But even before I called, he saw me and came running towards me. It was then that I knew that that was Teddy.

Since then he spent the rest of his short life with us.
(to be continued)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Rain

A piece written by me, long ago...

The sky was dark
The leaves were green
The atmosphere was heavy
It was about to rain

Beside the window I sat
The view mesmerized me
The sensuous charm of the weather
In turn crazed me

Like a bird my mind flew
Did daring things
Rules and regulations
Were distant links.

I was a winged bird
Flew around the sky
Reached distant lands
Where observers turned a curious eye

Over mountains and oceans
Faraway places
I saw the Sirens, heard their voice
That had enchanted god-like Odysseus.

I saw the nymph Calypso, spent time with Aphrodite
Saw Helen of golden locks
Flowing on the love of Paris
When she had first come to Troy

Unbridled she had sat
Holding Paris strongly
A gift of the Love Goddess
Had held her passionately

But then she had to return
Back with Menelaos
Those love lorn days were if, only
Transient and heaved a rampant chaos.

So did I, heaved a Sigh
And with a forlorn look
Bade them goodbye
I didn't want to return
But History enticed me
The Present was unbearable

But Mystery of the Future
With its Adventurous charm,
Kept Beckoning Me
With Promises not of a Better Life
But an Exciting One.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


As I sit beside my window sill
On a lovely rainy afternoon
A thought passes by my mind
About a dark night on a new moon

No light anywhere
No scorching heat
The cool night breeze blows by
And softly ruffles my hair.

I pass by unknown paths
Darkness envelopes me
I revel in its spirit
Adventure beckons me.

But then day light dawns
Mundane life grasps me again
The call of danger is gone
And I return to civilization in pain.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A Good Day

I always have a complaint from my writing. It is this that I hardly write when I am happy. It is mostly when I am sad or tense that I write. It helps to relax me, calm me down. So tonight I have decided to wage war with myself and do something different. Tonight I am more or less in a happy mood. Day went well and in our counselling class we discussed how to manage parent-adolescent conflicts whereby most of us faced difficulties empathizing with the parents as some horror stories of how some parents tortured their kids to make them get good results were recounted. Overall, however it was fun. I also managed to say some bad things about a real sexy and rugged looking picture only because one of my friends liked it just to tease her. Sigh.

Memories came by as I sat down to reminisce about my adolescent life on a group work in today's class. The days where I kept my Biology book open while day dreaming about something else, about a certain 'someone', the huge fights back home when I used to think of a measure to rebel and to do things which would defame them all- just to rebel... the anguish, the despair all came rushing back to me..but I now too old to rebel or is it what the old folks call "maturity"? Is maturity the nice word which they use to say that you have lost the 'fire' mate, to rebel? To revolt?

Thinking of it now, did I ever have the courage to rebel? To revolt against something I did not like? I believe I had. In some things. Now I don't. Tied down by bonds of affection? Of propriety? Or is it the understanding that your actions affect more people than just you? But then did I always not know that? I believe I did. But may be the expressions would have been different then. And the expressions would be different now. But rebellion? I think I have done more rebellions after eighteen than I have before going to college.

How did it feel? To rebel against one's own inhibitions? It felt great. Absolutely awesome. To tell you the truth, the one thing that had held me back since a long time were my own inhibitions. Revolting against them gave me a feeling of defying the rules of society and family. I could try to achieve Pleasure, the supreme goal of man's life (pardon my overenthusiasm at quoting schools of philosophy). It is one goal that religion and society- any form of institution always tries to condemn. I was trying to achieve this pleasure....would I be able to? Could I? Time will tell..

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Swine Flu Scare

Yes, I am back again. Very unlikely of me. But I had to write as I am feeling very agitated right now and writing is one of the things that helps me to get a grip on myself. I did not miss my HOD's class today! Yay!! I was only fifteen minutes late as compared to the usual thirty minutes late that I am most of the days.
So then why this post? As the name suggests, the Swine Flu scare has finally got me. And I don't know who to talk to it about because people only seem to make fun or snub me down (specially my elders) when I talk of this scare. Now what started it so suddenly? Swine flu has been around the block for quite some time now. I did not get agitated then. So what scares me now?

Truth of the matter is that when I got fever a few days back, my mother got really worried and kept on asking me to visit the doctor. I graciously refused. But got scared since then. So now thankfully, the fever has subsided. So I went to see my doctor for a regular check up and guess who else was there?

A patient who had fever and who had returned from foreign after staying there for about a month. Ah Lord! I came to know of it only after we had met the doctor. My sister had seen him earlier ofcourse. So had my mother and brother-in-law. Jesus, seemed like the only person not knowing that that man muffled up inside a heavy shawl was a potential threat was me.

And when I came to know about it, I did what I do best. Panicked. I am by nature a very timid person. Having a potential swine flu victim around me was the last thing I needed in my dreary depressive life. And on top of it, my doctor actually went to visit the patient without any protection. His relatives came up to the doctor's chamber when we were meeting him. They said his condition was serious. Our doctor went to see him as soon as he had finished with us.

And I was happy that he had seen us before going to see that patient. Wonder what would happen to the patients after us? Now when I think about it, is there any guarantee that our doctor has not seen potential swine flu patients before us? Aahhh..the futility of my panic. If I have to die, much less than die of swine flu will anybody be able to stop it?

But my attempt to rationalize by means of writing it down should also embody the reactions I received from people when I confided in them. My mother got worried but she consoled me that nothing would be wrong. My very rational brother-in-law who is in Pharma put forth a whole length of logic of how swine flu spreads only through phelgm and the man had been very far from me, to which I replied by saying that the virus can spread upto six feet distance. My sister tried to console me first but I guess my hysteria was too much for her. In the end she gave up and became angry.

In some ways or the other, I think that we all were scared some how or the other otherwise my panic would not have generated so much reaction. May be everyone was thinking about it, I just brought it out to the forefront. Oh where are the exercises for anxiety management when you need them? Oh that's right. I never practise them!

A few moments till now I had been talking with a few of my friends about this latest incident. Their reactions were varied. One of them living in the States told me not to kiss any guy as that is a common way for the virus to spread. She also told me that if any such situation arises, I should ask him before kissing him whether he has swine flu or not. Seems more potent a question than whether or not he is gay.

Two friends with whom I am very pissed off and who have been pains in the wrong place for quite some time really helped me to get out of it. One of them put forth a lot of logic and assured me that we should be careful but not panicky. The other one was empathetic and asked me to be careful in public places. Nice gestures from both of them. Doesn't mean I forgive them though. But all the same nice gestures.

I had this huge aggressive discussion with my brother-in-law about the flu getting to me by which he annoyed me (not irrationally mind you)and then my sister scolded me over the phone. I got so agitated that I cut the line and then contemplated reading a bit of Edward Cullen. May be he would cheer me up.

But this post and my chats have taken up much of my time. And I am HUNGRY!! Thought I would have no more appetite after tonight's incident eh..but what do you know? From 2:00 am I have to watch one of my favorite TV series, Supernatural- can't miss out on the two hot brothers there. Saturday and Sunday are holidays so I will just stay at home and see if there are any signs for concern in me and then react accordingly. I do just hope that I have the courage to face the truth if anything bad happens.

Before that I think I will fight a bit with the pains I have. One of them is already anxious and the other one will be agitated after reading this post, so I better get ready. After all, I may not be able to fight the virus. But no one said anything about friends, right? ;)

Goodie Night

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Random Thoughts

It's been quite a while since my last post. Truth of the matter is that I did not have anything to write. Or may be I had a lot to write just did not know how. So many things happened so quickly. I was losing my cool, becoming hysteric. But then three consecutive classes of conflict management helped a lot. If I could, I would never want these classes to end.

They give me the booster dose I need in surviving in the jungle of human beings. Matter of fact, I hate human beings. I love most animals but I hate human beings. As Feluda said once, conflict with a dangerous animal is much easier to handle than conflict with even the simplest of human beings. The conflicts have not been sorted out yet. But this time, I won't be the first one to take a step. Will I empathize with the ones who wronged me?

Let's see. Technically I should. But my logic and emotions flow in opposite directions. Empathy is something that comes natural to me in case of strangers and that does not come at all in case of near and dear ones. So right now, I am busy thinking whether I want to keep any relations that pain me at all.

It's true that not having them would pain me even more but time is a big healer as I have already seen. No one is perfect but do I have the courage to forgive the mistakes of loved ones even when they hurt me? I guess time will tell.

As of now I am in a stable condition (which by the way is a very temporary condition) and I don't know how long I will be sane again. I guess unless the matters are sorted out, I will be restless. Can I not approach them? Sure I can. I just don't want to. For I have done no wrong.

Guess it's not my rational self but my ego speaking again. Sometimes I wonder though if all of us became such perfect beings owing to counselling courses, the world would become a very peaceful place. But would that not take away the life from us? Always having to behave rationally, logically. It is so difficult. And painful.

Back in real life, work is already piling up. I am not comfortable with pending work. My few days of viral fever has already loosened the all-time loose screws in my brain. I was acting madly for a few days. Screaming, pushing people away- only because they were getting on my nerves. I am not fully recovered till now. Oh and the swine flu scare got me too- and I was mistaking my fever for the flu. Guess it was just fever after all.

I damaged my own sim and invited virus to my comp. set and they were all ill till yesterday. Now they are ok. Ah my poor baby comp! How I missed thee... Shall I compare thee to a lovely summer's morn?

But enough of it now. I still have to submit an attested copy of my recent marksheet for the admission to the PG course. I still have to get my I-Card done. My results by the way were quite impressive. CGPA (Hons) was 9.51 and CGPA (ED) was 9.75.

Not the best. But I am pretty glad, you know. Atleast something going right in life. This is one of the things that can go right coz it does not involve the "human" factor. Lord, how I detest human agents. They will only spoil a work not contribute to it. I work much better when I work alone.

Speaking of results, I am quite unsure of whether I shall pass this time- considering I sleep through most of the morning classes and our HOD has asked me more than once why I am missing classes. Thought of telling her what I do in the mornings (i.e sleep) but then decided against my better judgment.

My internal assessments are rocking- i.e they are on the rocks. I badly need a change, specially from people who agitate me so much. Escapism? Dunno. Don't care also. I am not the sweeper- as in you know, people make mistakes and you keep on sweeping them away, like the crow. Think I am being delusional? You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Talking of spending time with oneself, I watched a movie today. Love Aaj Kal it was called. I considered the possibility of whether I wanted to write a review on it but the film had nothing worthy to be reviewed in it at least by my standards. I liked it though.

I watched the movie alone, in a near to empty hall munching away at a Rs.75 popcorn. It was pretty fun though. So many people discouraged me while going to the movie saying that it was not worth it. But I still went. I was in a romantic mood and had to see the film.

I remembered that the last thing I asked one of my classmates before going to watch the movie was whether or not it was "logical". I was about to laugh at my own words later on while watching the movie because the very concept challenged my notions of rationality.

Two people break up because they know that the going will get tougher with time. Hehe! I would have been tempted to do the same thing! I loved Rishi Kapoor when he said that "our" generation has brains but no heart. Alas!

Giselle is good. She does not have many dialogues in the film but she embodies the very "Indian" concept of beauty in her looks, poise and she does it with dignity. Saif pretty much replays his roles in Hum Tum and Tara Rum Pum without much change. His Swiss girlfriend looks a lot like Miley Cyrus.

But the icing on the cake is Deepika. She's hot, she's sexy and she will make men go nuts after her and make women want to be like her. I know at least I did.

The very epitome of sophistication, Deepika would not embody any less than a modern day 'femme fatale', the kind that makes men go weak in their knees, not only because of her looks but because of her very personality. She is not that typical Hindi film heroine who cries for her lover. She is the one who does not hesitate to tell him what she thinks of his sister, how idiot he looks when he "tries" to look sexy.

When Saif tells him that she should not drink too much as he has "taken advantage" of her in such situations, Deepika blankly tells him that she acted on being drunk so that he "could" take advantage of her. When Saif tells her that it seemed she had stopped trying to look beautiful after their break up, Deepika jokingly says that she had "been heartbroken" by the break up.

Such is the capacity of laughter- it can portray even the most striking snub in a positive way. I could go on about the overpowering force of laughter to lash upon patriarchal society which always tries to "save" a woman in distress (agitation) as has also been portrayed by Hindi films but I think you get my drift.

I must say that one complaint which I always had about Deepika is that she seems very detached in her roles. No overpowering sense of emotion, no passion. Love Aaj Kal is not different. But here the character suits Deepika's sense of detachment.

Did I mention that Deepika behaves like a positive Capricorn throughout the film? Imtiaz Ali's previous film Jab We Met also portrayed Shahid Kapoor as a complete negative Capricorn. I could immensely relate to him and I do relate to Deepika in some ways in this movie.

She does a good job and if you are still wondering whether or not to go watch this movie, I will give it a 3.5 out of 5 stars. If you are experimental and in a romantic mood, then probably you should go for this movie. But don't expect it to be anywhere near to Jab We Met.

There you go, I have given you a complete review of a movie in a post about my personal life. It's 2:30 am now. I better go sleep or tomorrow I will be missing my HOD's class again.

Tc and keep rockin!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

My trip to New York!!! :D

What exactly do you have in mind on a Sunday evening? Movies, masti, food etc. I had the same in mind too when I went to catch New York in City Center. I went to purchase tickets for Terminator Salvation but it was not being shown. New York seemed like the next best option. It was the only movie which could be watched by both my mother and me.

I was kind of apprehensive about watching the movie since two of my good friends had given very bad reviews (Yeah I know. Trust your friends to spoil your interest on something be it movies or guys!). So anyways with a brave heart, contrary to what one of my friends repeatedly asked me not to do, I purchased two tickets to New York, Sunday evening at City Center.

The starting of the movie was great. Neil Nitin Mukesh reminded me of myself- remotely. Katrina was like a light. Not much time was wasted however on John's characterization. John always seemed to be a distant reflection of a character seen only through the eyes of Katrina and sometimes Neil. The director hardly ever wasted any time on letting the viewers themselves decide what John actually was like. The unrequitted love part, a common theme of any college going drama (real life drama included) was bound to catch a soft tone with many youngsters.

But just when you want to linger in the moment of Neil's sadness, you find the stony cold eyes of Irrfan Khan staring at him! "Yaar main jab bhi tumhe Samke barein mein kaheneko kehta hun, tum Mayaki baat shuru kar dete ho!" One of the best dialogues of the movie. Not because of the content but because of the way Irrfan Khan said it. If I have to choose one actor who has exceeded his performance in the movie, it will have to be him. Not John or Kat, not even Neil. It has to be IRRFAN KHAN.

Right from the beginning this actor with-a-difference catches your eye. Possibly the best dialogue of the movie is when Neil asks for a lawyer saying it is illegal not to give an accused a lawyer and Irrfan Khan looks down at him with his icy stone-cold glance, the camera approaches him and he says, "You remember one thing my brother, you are not dealing with a damn policeman, you are dealing with the F B I". Those three alphabets are enough to send a chill down your spine.

There are countless instances of Irrfan Khan surpassing his role and the film at times. If there is anything worthwhile watching in the movie (that does not feed your destructive emotions that is) it is his acting. But enough of him. If I have to talk of the three main characters of the movie, Neil had a lot of scope and he does full justice to his role. John Abraham did not have much to do or show by virtue of his emotions. His actions were primary to the film and he does a good job on them. My expectations were harbored on Katrina, especially after watching the movie promos. So though I had read some bad reviews on her acting, I cherished great hopes.

Katrina's acting in the first half was lively. But in the second half, where there was considerable scope for her to show a variety of emotions, she did not explore those avenues fully. Like there was a scene where a policeman molests her in the name of checking her and Rilke looks at her and Katrina looks back at him. There was a lot of scope for her to show a myriad of emotions in that scene but all she shows is blank concern. Frankly I was disappointed. Her interactions with John were likewise. I was left wanting for more.

Now we come to the theme of the story. While the concept was good, its treatment lack of a better word, violent. Yes I found the film to be violent. Not only because of the torture instances shown in the movie, but also because of the hatred it inspires. Not always, I gather though. Like one of my friends cried while watching the movie. But for me it was hatred. Generally when you go to watch a Hindi film, you go with the intention of being relaxed. But our Hindi movies now have become more like Hollywood movies both in form and themes, they do not make you leave the hall with a light heart, they "inspire" you to "think".

I for one was left with a feeling of hatred after watching the movie. I dreaded, hated the US. I supported every ounce of what John Abraham did. I also felt that what he did was not enough. It all seemed such a waste. I know some of my friends are going to shiver at this thought.

Anyways, the death of John Abraham was expected. But why did the director have to kill Katrina? I don't have any idea. One of my friends pointed out whether I wanted to see Neil and Katrina together once John died. I told her, I hadn't thought of the idea before, but it didn't seem such a bad idea after all. What say? Unrequitted love finally being requitted. They could have done that at least in the movies!

The second half of the movie as I pointed out consisted only of hatred and revenge. One would think that the soft blossoms of love would have been able to cool this raging heat. But the director made no attempts and as a result there was an excessive disbalance of vengeance which could not be ousted even by the love and friendship songs at the beginning of the movie.

Another thing that puzzled me was the interaction of Irrfan Khan with Neil and John and Katrina's son at the end of the movie. Do FBI police officers really do that? Make friends with friends of terrorist suspects? Is it at all believable? Dunno, guess I am too backdated. "Iye Amrika hain bhai, kuch bhi ho sakta hain!".

So anyways the movie ended and still fuming, I came out of the hall. Then tried to focus on other things. But it was futile. I and my mother had lots to eat with the result that next day at University, I fell short of money! Overall, it was a good evening and if you think whether I thought those one eighty rupees were a waste, let me tell you that for a materialistic person like me, they were not a waste. The movie had substance, good or bad is a different issue. But it was certainly better than those countless brainless movies that pop up on the hall every other Friday.

Friday, June 26, 2009

May Be...

Tears crawl down silently by the side of her face. She is hurt, like the so many times she has been before. Hopelessness, depression surround her like long lost friends. Her face is salty. She is lonely. Nobody has seen her cry. She cannot let them see the soft tears beneath her tough exterior. She argues, she fights. She slams down the phone with inexpressible might. She is rude. But deep down, may be she is just hurt. Deep down, may be she is just scared of being left alone, of being rejected by her loved ones. Deep down may be she cannot stand the injustice meted out by others to her loved ones. May be, deep down she just curses herself for not being able to fight back.

Does she not try to overcome this? She does, doesn't she? Then why suddenly she behaves like this all of a sudden? Why is all this poise just a mask to cover up her delicate balance which borders on the verge of sanity and madness? Why do people take her to be a proud vain snob when inside she is being torn apart by their sneers? Why can't people see her sensitive heart?

May be because she does not want them to see. May be because she is too scared of getting hurt. May be because if people come to know of it, they might hurt her even more. People think her to be strong, they think she is a very gutsy lady. She speaks her mind out, she goes with her head held high. But they never see the fear within. The fact that she is not one of them because she is scared of being rejected by them. She speaks her mind out, apparently but that might only be the half truth. May be she is just too scared of speaking anything at all, afraid of all the jeers that she might have to face. May be she is afraid to behave otherwise, because that is how people have come to know her- a snobbish little girl and she is scared even to prove them wrong. May be...

Sunday, May 31, 2009


When was the last time anyone did something special for you? Do you remember? Right at this point of time, I am trying to remember one myself. Not that it is very difficult to find, it is just that, the memories have become a bit obscure and have also been brought down by the weakness of my sick throat.

I can however tell you lots ; seeing that I have a good memory; like the time when one of my acquaintances chose to handle his temper when we were supposedly having an argument about nothing and asked me repeatedly what happened and why
I was behaving like that. Nothing special, huh? Well for me it was. Never expected him to even try to understand my feelings, so it was special.

Then there is another instance I remember. My "friend"(I have a bad reputation in this, as I don't make friends easily. The contestants have to pass through several hurdles before they can prove their loyalty to me. I know this makes me sound like a horrible person. Well, can't help it really!) helped me to get off stress during the one hour we spent in a journey together. How?

Here comes the catch. I seem to shed all ornaments of civilization and propriety when I am with her. My other acquaintances, even friends would scream in horror to see the apparent downfall of a "good little church girl" like me when I am with her. And you know what makes it worse? The fact that I enjoy it to the core!!

Talking of stress, are friends stress relievers or stress givers? Well, some of them give me a lot of stress. Do I hate them for that? No. But I do get irritated sometimes. And before you even ask, let me tell you that if one of my friends got irritated with me when I came up with a problem, I would not like it at all. I would be hurt. But when my friends come up with problems like that, I become worried about them even though sometimes I might get irritated. And that gives me a lot of stress. But I am growing up. Or just may be with time, we learn to handle stuff, even the most difficult of them.

Coz when you know you have to handle a difficult problem, you might try to run away from it; once however the problem is presented to you, then there is no point in trying to run away, we just sit and do our best to solve it. Kind of like a Maths exam, it is.

But tell me, what happens when your deepest, darkest fears come true? When the thing you fear the most in life comes back to haunt you showing its ugly head time and again? The thing which you have tried to avoid all your life in the sincere hopes that you never have to face it, what happens when you are forced to face it? And this done unknowingly by a friend? Do you thank her? Do you spite her? Are you scared of her? Or do you simply choose to avoid her?

I do remember what I said about the Maths problem. But this is bigger. And you do have a choice to escape, and I seem to consider not escaping from the clutches of the dragon while I still have a choice, an awfully stupid move. I am not a bloody Harry Potter for God's sake!

In this respect, I am reminded of another of the two souls I have encountered on the face of the earth. As I said, I don't make friends easily. But some people have a way with you. Now it is not easy to impress me, but who doesn't say that? There are some things each of us likes and if you know exactly where to tickle a person, that person is bound to be impressed by you.

So anyways, I am not saying that these people tried to tickle me or anything, but they had ways about them which I liked. Now in the first case, what happened was I was so blinded by affection that I could not see the details, even tried not to observe them- for the first time in my life, in friendship, I gave more importance to emotions than logic.

And I paid the price. I was about to lose some of my very good buddies, people I would not have considered my "friends" otherwise except if not for this incident. But the way they maintained their trust and faith in me, I was grateful for their support. Never could believe that something like this could have happened. So yes, this incident was a boon in the form of a curse.

Will I ever figure out why this alleged person tried to create a rift between me and my friends? I don't know. But one thing, I don't have any sympathy for people who try to create differences between me and my loved ones and I can be ruthless while dealing with them at times.

Now to talk of this other soul I met. Funny, smart, helpful, creative. You cannot help but like such people, for the majority at least. Ever seen a person go through a series of metamorphosis to change so much so that he serves as a grim reminder of some old soul you met from the past? This person did. Memories of present people that remind you of some one you met earlier can be good, they can also be bad. Coz they can remind you of the bitter times you went through with the first person. So what do you do?

You feel an utmost urge to change the present person. Now an individual is not a piece of clay who you can shape according to your needs and desires. A human being is more like a natural phenomena- though these phenomena are more predictable at times. And this is what attracts and at the same time repeals me about them. Good to study but not worth while to form lasting relationships. Gosh, I am back into one of my pessimistic moods again. Anyway, so right now I am happy to be in the position of a mere observer before taking any further initiatives.

You learn a lot by observing people. They teach valuable lessons on life. This post has dealt with only some of the wonderful people I have met in my life. I don't know where this path will continue, as problems have already started to crop up; serious problems, problems that I am scared of solving or even acknowledging and problems that the other person does not even know exists. But I am glad I have met these people, they have widened my horizon on life and this is something I will forever owe to them.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Hmm..what am I thinkin' ?

Finally exams are over. The last few months of my college days have been very educative. It was interesting to see different facets of individuals. Made new friendships, some old ones got broken. But everything does not stay with you for the whole time, does it? But it is interesting to meet new people and see their versions of life. A lot of my classmates will not be back with us for post graduation. I will miss them. Three years passed like three weeks. Can't believe just three years earlier, I was a fresher about to set my foot in one of the most prestigious universities of India. And now, I am a senior! Three years earlier, I was scared of being ragged. Now I have the ability to rag people. But I have not ragged any of my juniors. And nowadays freshers are smarter than what we were at their stage.

Times pass by so quickly. I remember it took me twelve years to love my school. And even after that I was glad that I was leaving it. But about six months before leaving school, my nostalgia about the institution started. I hardly missed any fellow student or teacher but I did miss the building. Even now I have sudden flashes of memory where I can see the school building, its corridors, the auditorium and of course my favorite place, the library. I still miss the library. All those story books which I had a mind to finish! Now I deal in literature but somehow that urge is gone. My text books form a good piece of literature but I don't succeed in finishing them only. My book shelf is full of thrillers which I intend to finish someday in future.

Would I really miss JU if I left it? I don't know. I am slow to liking and slow to getting over it! Three years. I have grown up so much. I have learned so much. My views have been shaken up, tossed and put in a whirlwind and been revolved upside down. I am proud to be a Compli'tian. Comparative Literature has opened my eyes and exposed me to so many different kinds of views.

My hunger for knowledge has further been saturated by the Diploma in Social work that I undertook in the first year. And the course in Basic Skills in Conflict Management has made me see the world from different perspectives. It has enabled me to understand human beings better. Though I always fear that it will hamper my ability as a writer- rob me of the power to have critical perspectives, but hey, I have just begun to learn. There's a lot more left to know. If I survive it. God, seeing other people from their perspectives can be so difficult! And you have to mingle the right amount of empathy with the right amount of assertion to make your point clear. It all seems so impossible! I don't know whether I will be able to do it ever. I am a human being, after all.

I tend to be judgmental, I tend to be unreasonable at times. And I am not ashamed of it. As I tell one of my close friends, "It's either my way or the highway!" Lols!! I am not that dominating. But yes, I believe that if I can't be the real 'me' with my near and dear ones, then there is really no point in calling them my close friends. Oops. Sorry. This was something that friend had told me! I believe her.

I have met some really special people in the last few months of my graduation. I don't know how long we will be together. As a matter of fact, I have already fought with two of them. But I am lucky to have them in my life. I am lucky to have all of my "friends" in my life. And by "friends" I don't mean acquaintances. I mean those few people who know me, love me and accept me the way I am. And yes, if they are reading this, they better know that it is not going to change a thing between us. I will still fight with them if I don't like something. Hehehe....

Remember, "it's either my way or the highway". :P

By the way life becomes much more joyful and special with them by my side...

Till next time, Adieos!