Friday, April 30, 2010

Worse than Death- (II)

There are some things worse than death. She knew. She sat thinking. A hatred consumed her heart. An anger. Her love was not enough for him. But did he know that she could do anything for him? Anything? She laughed. Like a maniac! She never wanted anything from him. But she could give all she had to him. She could annihilate herself in the fire of his love. He had already taken away her power to love. She hated him for that. She could not love anyone any more now. All because of him. That deep tender feeling in her heart had turned into a brown bleeding wound. It had bled so much that she couldn't feel anything any more. It was numb. She was scared to feel the pain.

Yes, she decided. She would do that. She would annihilate herself for his love. And the best part? He wouldn't even know. He would never know! Her anger for him turned to herself, her body. She remembered about those "things". One such thing had brushed over by her when she was a child. She was terrified. But, now she decided she would feed herself to those things. Let them do things to her. Bad things. She shuddered. But she wanted to punish. She didn't know who. But she wanted to feel the terror, she wanted to feel the agony. May be that would erase the pain of this loss. Or not.

She would destroy herself. She decided. The very realization of what she was about to do made her shiver. She laughed maniacally. Yes she would do it!! No one would be able to stop her! He did not realize how much she loved him. Now she will show him what she can exactly do for him! It should be fun.

She wandered down the dark gates of Hell. Beyond those gates were the "things" waiting. There were 12 of them. They stared at her- a petite figure coming their way. They formed a semicircle. She went inside and the circle closed in on her. Their fingers were only skin and bones with long nails. They had a hood over their head. They wore long black robes. None of their faces was visible. Except their hands. Thin long hands with long fingers. That slowly laid upon her now.

The first touch. Icy. Cold. Explored her body. She shuddered. She remembered the first brush of such a "thing" when she was a child. How it had scared her then! And now there were twelve of them. Hovering around her. Touching. Exploring her. Her parts. The first fingers ran over her slowly, carefully , as if surveying the softness of a new born puppy. Soon, they increased. They went deeper and deeper into the flesh. She felt polluted. Disgusted. Would her prince come and save her now? A little flicker of hope rose up in her. May be he had realized. May be he would come. Any moment he would be here now. Please, please let him be here, she prayed!

The hands kept on exploring into still deeper crevices. She pulled her soul closer to herself. She couldn't let these pollutants corrupt her soul. But how far would she pull herself away? They turned and twisted her flesh. They gnawed, bit and sucked at her. Blood came out. They drank it. She was still alive. The pain was twitching. There was a buzzing sound in her ears. She closed her eyes. The Master asked the others to stop.

He bent down over her and slit her parts open with his hand. Blood oozed out. He drank it. She lay there, feeling enormous pain but not uttering a single sound. Then he emptied his load into her. The final nail in the coffin had been stuck. The "things" left. She just lay there, lifeless with torn shreds of garment still adorning her bloody reaped apart body. Her soul had been robbed of but she was still breathing.

He didn't come.

Worse Than Death-(I)

There are some things worse than death. She knew. The horror. The pain. The trauma. She used to be scared. Of those things in the dark. That were worse than death. She had no one to protect her. She used to protect herself from those dark creatures that moved about in the garb of light. Until...he came.

He was a soldier of light. Different from her. She preferred darkness. Light scared her. Light with its laughter. That mocked her. He drove away her fear. Laughter need not always mock, he said. Laughter can also be happiness. She did not know what to do. He was her sole connection with Light. Should she trust him or not? But something in her heart told her to believe him. Led her towards the soldier of light. She had never listened to her heart before. Then why now? Why believe this stranger all of a sudden? She had no answer. But blinded by the sudden gush of light that the soldier brought in, she followed him.

He led her through beautiful mountains, rolling streams and green valleys. They flew over white clouds. Blue Sun, Yellow Sky. The geese flew by their side. Everything was bathed in light. She was timid. But beside his warmth, she felt strong. She wanted to hold on to him forever. But suddenly there was a Fall. She fell. Down and down she went. Tumbling down from the Elysium, she fell to the Nethers. Suddenly there was no light! The sudden change from light to darkness blinded her eyesight. She thought it was a dream. A bad dream. She rubbed her eyes. She sat up. Dark bleak caves surrounded her. She imagined her prince coming down. She was confident. He would come down to save her! She just knew it!

Ugly creatures surrounded her. They mocked her. You left us for him! Now he's left you! Never!! She screamed. He was not like them, she protested with all her might. He would come and take her away any moment now. She waited. And waited. Nobody came. Her faith was not shaken. She knew he would come. For days she lay like that in that darkness. Finally one day she decided to meet him. Ignoring the ugly mocking of those ugly creatures, she turned to Light. Once again. She went in search of her prince. The soldier of Light.

The world of Light seemed cold now. Without him by her side, she felt unwelcome. She much preferred the anonymity of the dark. She also saw those things. Those dark things that moved about in the garb of light. But light all around her protected her from them. She searched for her Prince everywhere. There he was, sitting by the Elysian Fields. She ran up to him. Hugged him. Kissed him with her tears. Where was he? Did he not know she was alone? Did he not know how much she had missed him? He was nonchalant. Indifferent. Cold.

His coldness struck her heart. That warm tender feeling in her heart was being threatened by his icy stare. He seemed opaque. Distant. She could not touch him. She shouted out to him. He didn't respond. Her could not touch him any more. He looked at her. Indifferent. Rude. Who was she? What was she doing here?

She refused to believe what she saw. May be he did not remember. So what. She was his..friend, she tried to remind him. He didn't remember. She explained all the beautiful journeys they had been on together, through clouds, over mountains, rivers and green valleys. The blue sun and yellow sky! He laughed. How can the sun be blue? It was impossible. She told him she loved him. He said it had all been a dream. None of it was true.

She went silent. Inside she was still trying to convince herself that all of it was real. This....this moment was a dream...a nightmare. He could not be like this with her. She told him she had loved him all this while. Why did he not understand? Hadn't he felt the radiant warmth between them? He hadn't. But...but he brought her out from darkness. He made her feel the warmth of light. How can he not feel it? He did not answer.

She was lost. Confused. But..but it had been so real. How could it be a dream? What she felt for him was real. Couldn't he see that? That warm tender feeling inside her heart..that surely could not have been a dream? Or was it? She was terrified. What would happen now? She..could not go back to the Nethers. She had no one to stay for in the Elysium. She had nowhere to go. He had left her. Abandoned her.

For some time she remained drowned in her misery. She had nothing to give him. Except love. But that was not enough. Why was that not enough? Why? Why? Why? He had melted her heart. Taken away all her love. Now she was squeezed dry. She couldn't love anybody. Not any more!
(to be continued)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Badmaash Company- A "Normal" Post..At Last!

Time for another post. I know I am writing an awful lot of posts nowadays and that too with little gap in between, but these thoughts keep clouding my head and unless I put them on paper, I find it difficult to function "normally". Well I find it difficult to function normally even if I put thoughts on paper but then that's just me being normal! Anyways I think I should stop the discourse on normality and continue with the "normal" post. This post yes, it is normal. But it is not about Shahid! Yay! Finally I am writing a post on Shahid's film but it is not about him. I am finally bringing my critical mind into his films! Great achievement, wouldn't you say? :D

So Badmaash Company looks like a mixture of Yes Boss and Bunty Aur Babli. The educated unemployed Indian youth on the way for a shortcut to his dreams. In the process, he finds out that the shortest way may not always be the "right" way. I have an ethical problem with such films. I liked Yes Boss a lot; in fact it is one of my favorite movies till date. I did not like Bunty Aur Babli (I am guessing Abhishek Bachchan had something to do with it). Badmaash Company...Well it's too soon to tell. And please don't think that just because I am marrying Shahid so I will support every film he does. As they say, your most ardent well wishers are your worst critics. ;)

So yeah (boy, you guys really make me talk a lot!), my ethical problem lies in the fact that these films portray a lot of riches. It's like "The Great American Dream"; you can have as much as you want. Personally I think there should be a balance to everything. But these films try to show that nothing is enough; there is always that hankering for more, more and even more. More of money, more of sex, more of violence. I dunno I never kinda liked it. In some spiritual discourses like Tantric Buddhism, they rely on this "hankering for more" until you get fed up of mundane wishes and finally decide to give up material life altogether. I kinda always got fed up when I received what I wanted. As they say, the chase of the game is much more than the joy of possessing it. I agree there is a certain happiness, a satisfaction is getting something you have always dreamed of, but how long before eternal boredom strikes again?

Sometimes I wonder, is it the same in case of relationships? Do we begin to take each other for granted after a while?

P.S: Told you it was going to be a "normal" post! Howzzat! :P

Tintoretor Jishu's been such a long while since I had watched a Feluda movie. I hated Bombaiyer Bombetey; found it monotonous and boring. But today I saw Tintoretor Jishu. It was looovveeelllyyy! Goenda Pradosh Mitter is back! What style! What restraint! What voice! What personality! Abar notun kore jyano feludar fan hoye gelam..It had been such a long while since I had read the book. The film was much better than the bloody ghoulish action movies they show in Hollywood! Aah...I guess we Bangalis always have a soft spot for indigenous material..whether it be food, music, movies or even...cricketer! I really liked the presentation of the movie. Oddly enough I am reminded of Christian Bale in Equilibrium while talking about Sabyasachi's restraint! And before you bring my attention to the line above, "No, Equilibrium is not a B-Grade bloody ghoulish Hollywood action movie, it is pure genius!" Bale's best work till date! Anyways this post is about a Bangla movie, a refreshing change from Hollywood and Bollywood movies so let's only talk of the Bangla movie here. As they wanted to preserve the original flavor of Feluda, so they kept him away from mobiles and computers. Feluda knows how to handle these things but he does not use them most of the time. I should say that gave a very contemporary vibe to the movie while preserving its original flavor! Feluda relies more on his "Mogojastro" rather than physicality to solve his crimes. But this was changed in the movie. And my dear Feluda is so apt and so agile in the fight sequences...I am thinking of thinking of him romantically. Difficult since you have grown up with him as FeluDADA but hey, what the heck, right? ;) Ahh..Joy Bangla! Kotodin baade akta bhalo Bangla chobi dekhlam! Wish more such films would come our way.

Saturday, April 17, 2010


A feeling of relief. A void engulfed me all these years. A void I had been living with. Finally that void is gone. I feel happy. I feel relaxed. So he too had liked me. Appreciated me. Cared for me all along. Noticed those small things. Remembered stuff even I hadn't noticed. And all this while, I thought it was impossible. All this while I thought it had been an illusion. He could never like me. He probably didn't even notice me. But he had. Noticed everything. Knew what I felt. And yes I got a whole list of lecture. Making him wait for nine years. Me waiting for nine years. But not telling him. Lol. But it was sweet. Coming from him. I don't know what to write. Except that the cloud of pessimism which had surrounded me since childhood has been removed. I see clear sky now. And the sun light. Days are warm, sweet, tender. I no more like to get lost in the crowd, in the dark. I still like darkness but I also realize light. Those nine years. They had not been wasted in vain. Patience surely does pay. And I am no more scared of light... :)

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Lovestruck ;)

Seems all strange now. A distant call. A careless whisper of the breeze. Rustle of the leaves. Kiss of sky on the horizon. Faint light. Skylight. Have you seen skylight on a moonless night? It is faint blue in color. Stars twinkling in the distance. Asleep the whole world on the cradle of earth. And you awake. Beside the windowsill. Or on the rooftop. Dreaming. About the one. About that stranger. He comes up from behind and whispers in your ear. You turn around. No one. Realize it was the wind teasing you. You look towards the horizon. The faint blue horizon. Closely built buildings obstruct your view. You yearn to look beyond them. To see the future. There you see, both of you together. But there are no faces. You only see the backs. Dark against the faint blue night sky. Yours with flowing long hair, his hair short. That's as much as you can see. And yet, you yearn to know more. But the other side wants to know no more. May be this is enough. Imagining the two together on a moonless night. But the devilish side rebels. "You want more, you know that!" It coaxes. Seduces you. And you get lost in its maze. Soon you lose yourself in its captivating torrent. A whirlwind of emotions, a flood of passion. Your angelic side warns you, "But he is just a stranger..." The devilish side persuades, "Indulge." You know your angelic side is right. But the devilish side is stronger, overpowering. You indulge... in the dreams. Fervor. Rapture. Ecstasy. But he remains a stranger. Still a stranger.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

The Class

She was sitting in class. All around her were loads of people. It was hot. And suffocating. So many people, the air in the room was stuffy. She couldn't breathe. Suddenly the teacher asked her a question. Sh*t! She had not studied. She looked here and there for the answer, staring into vacant space but could find nothing. She tried to breathe but the hot air stuck to her lungs, burned them suffocating her further. She tried to get up for some fresh air but she felt her legs give way. Balancing her hands upon the table she tried to get up again. She looked down. The front of her white shirt was red. Bloody red. Red was the color of her bosoms. Blood was trickling down the shirt. She trembled. What had happened? She didn't know. She looked around. The whole classroom was filled with hoards of familiar yet unknown faces. They stared up at her. None said anything. She trembled. Her legs gave way. Her hands shivered. As she fell down, she saw the host of unknown faces close in around her and completely overtake the little stretch of white air visible above her head. Soon darkness surrounded her and she surrendered.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Ghost of Christmas Past

I had a dream about you today. Fancy after all these years, you would come to haunt me in my sleep once again! Lol. But it was nice. Seeing you again, a very clear picture of yours as I haven't seen in years to come. Reminded me of the good ol' school days. Their memories. The first time. The first love. Wonder how you of all people managed to do it? I was in my own little world worried about marks and studies and my career plans when all of a sudden you come with your cute face and charming smile and blow me away! God, so impractical!Yet so beautiful!

How could I fall in love? Love was meant for suckers and losers and I was a winner all the way. Couldn't waste my time over this!You came like a breath of fresh air in my little calculated life and upturned all numbers. This was not supposed to happen! All my life I have set foot in carefully measured steps not taking one step before knowing the result. Yours was like a step out of place.

I don't understand when people ask me why I didn't tell you. There was nothing to tell. The initial shock was too big for me. I couldn't believe I had fallen head over heels in love! No I couldn't. This was against my calculations. And that too with you? God had to be kidding me! I remember the countless nights and days I spent praying to God to cure me of you. Yes, you were a disease that I had to cure. Reminds me of the lines of Rehab by Rihanna. Lol.

Days pass by, years pass by. And even before I realize it, close to a decade has passed. And I have loved you all this while. Strange huh? Took me five years to realize that I could actually fall in love, that too with you. I don't mean that you were bad, I just mean that we were grossly different. The rest of the four years were spent in memories, sometimes happy, sometimes not so happy. But you did something no one else has ever done or will ever be able to do again.

You made me realize what love is. I know I sound like one of those stupid people in love but it is true that love makes the world go round for me. If there is anything that helps me to keep going in my mundane life, it is love. Love is the inventory from which I draw my sustenance for the dreary, sometimes not so exciting real life. And this love does not mean possessing or actually telling you what I feel; it simply means getting lost in the land of the beautiful, the lovely, the ethereal and the passionate. I owe this to you; will forever owe it to you. You taught me that..Love is Life. Thank You.