On Occasion

As I stand lazily soaking in the winter sun, I see a monkey in the distant roof, doing the same. A closer inspection reveals a Ma monkey followed by one-two baby monkeys, with another monkey chilling in someone's balcony. 'Hee...bador bador', I gleefully observe. The Ma monkey then climbs down the grill, just like Spiderman. The young ones follow suit to join their Chacha (I'm guessing) in the neighbouring balcony.

Still giggling, I come down the stairs to find a wolf strolling about, in the guise of a dog. It seems to have enough fur to shield the neighbourhood for the winter. I share biscuits with the dumb blackie but those 5 biscuits vanish before hitting the floor. Finding I have no more biscuits to offer, it now decides to settle for the next best thing.

It begins to wag its bushy tail, I pat it a little. Two pats, and the wolf seeks to climb till my shoulder, like a chipku guy. 'Durey thako, durey thako', I order the wolf which probably weighs more than me. It calms down but still keeps on looking through the iron grills long after I have closed the gate.

I go back to shoot the monkeys on the roof but they have long since vanished. So I shoot the next best thing: Myself.

Gurgaon is a chiriyakhana. I like it.

Curse

Oh Lord of the Land with your arrogant belly
You are no better than the bed bugs silly.
Greedily feeding on my toiling blood
Like a parasite, you suck and suck.

You'll get a taste of your medicine, loon
Justice will be meted to you pretty soon!
You will die a dog's death
Burst by shrapnel, torn to shreds.

Your family will be forced to beg
In hell, you will weep and crave
The same craving that I have now
To get out of the hell you bestow

Mark my words, you filthy little man
My wrath curses you, see what it can!

:)

A feeling of relief. A void engulfed me all these years. A void I had been living with. Finally that void is gone. I feel happy. I feel relaxed. So he too had liked me. Appreciated me. Cared for me all along. Noticed those small things. Remembered stuff even I hadn't noticed. And all this while, I thought it was impossible. All this while I thought it had been an illusion. He could never like me. He probably didn't even notice me. But he had. Noticed everything. Knew what I felt. And yes I got a whole list of lecture. Making him wait for nine years. Me waiting for nine years. But not telling him. Lol. But it was sweet. Coming from him. I don't know what to write. Except that the cloud of pessimism which had surrounded me since childhood has been removed. I see clear sky now. And the sun light. Days are warm, sweet, tender. I no more like to get lost in the crowd, in the dark. I still like darkness but I also realize light. Those nine years. They had not been wasted in vain. Patience surely does pay. And I am no more scared of light... :)

A Good Day

I always have a complaint from my writing. It is this that I hardly write when I am happy. It is mostly when I am sad or tense that I write. It helps to relax me, calm me down. So tonight I have decided to wage war with myself and do something different. Tonight I am more or less in a happy mood. Day went well and in our counselling class we discussed how to manage parent-adolescent conflicts whereby most of us faced difficulties empathizing with the parents as some horror stories of how some parents tortured their kids to make them get good results were recounted. Overall, however it was fun. I also managed to say some bad things about a real sexy and rugged looking picture only because one of my friends liked it just to tease her. Sigh.

Memories came by as I sat down to reminisce about my adolescent life on a group work in today's class. The days where I kept my Biology book open while day dreaming about something else, about a certain 'someone', the huge fights back home when I used to think of a measure to rebel and to do things which would defame them all- just to rebel... the anguish, the despair all came rushing back to me..but ah..am I now too old to rebel or is it what the old folks call "maturity"? Is maturity the nice word which they use to say that you have lost the 'fire' mate, to rebel? To revolt?

Thinking of it now, did I ever have the courage to rebel? To revolt against something I did not like? I believe I had. In some things. Now I don't. Tied down by bonds of affection? Of propriety? Or is it the understanding that your actions affect more people than just you? But then did I always not know that? I believe I did. But may be the expressions would have been different then. And the expressions would be different now. But rebellion? I think I have done more rebellions after eighteen than I have before going to college.

How did it feel? To rebel against one's own inhibitions? It felt great. Absolutely awesome. To tell you the truth, the one thing that had held me back since a long time were my own inhibitions. Revolting against them gave me a feeling of defying the rules of society and family. I could try to achieve Pleasure, the supreme goal of man's life (pardon my overenthusiasm at quoting schools of philosophy). It is one goal that religion and society- any form of institution always tries to condemn. I was trying to achieve this pleasure....would I be able to? Could I? Time will tell..