My Little Brother

You were the one who ever truly loved me. And I let you down. I am sorry. Forgive me.

“You never forget the ones you loved”. And I will never forget you. I promise. Every time I see a movie based on you, I fall apart crying. How could I not appreciate you? Fancy me getting vocal about how kind and giving animals are..how could I be unkind to you? When nobody cared, nobody bothered, you were there for me. I still remember the night of the load-shedding when I was deeply morose. I was sitting there in the dark blankly. You came and began calling me with your paws. I knew then that you loved me. Tonight I was watching the film, Hachiko: A Dog's Story. The film is about the true story of a faithful dog who waited nine years for his dead owner. I thought of you my little brother. All those times we spent together. We had so much fun. Everyday I used to look forward to coming home. You made my day. You made me happy. And then you started getting sick. May be we did not take proper care of you. May be we could have done better.I still can't stop blaming myself for what happened to you. You improved but then got sicker. And I got irritated with you when you messed up the house. But it still did not occur to me that you would leave us, dear brother. How can I ever forgive myself for having been cruel to you? And that too when you needed me the most. I don't like watching dog stories any more. Coz they remind me of you. I never found pet tragedies fun to watch but now they pierce me even more. Remind me of how cruel and insensitive I was. Even that night when Ma began crying out aloud complaining that you were not moving, did I not imagine that this was your last movement. I still remember standing aside when the doctor came by, you with your soft furry head on Ma's lap. My mother was gently brushing aside your fur; tears softly flowed from her eyes. The doctor was sitting on our bed looking downwards. And I was looking at both of them. Getting prepared for the worst. How hard could it be? Yes you were a part of life and in some moments, you would be there no more.... No I'm sure something can be done, my alter ego shouted. For once in your life, be optimistic. Nothing will happen to him. My pessimism got hold of my timidity and warned me. Get prepared now, or else.. I just stood there silently. I called up your mother and father and waited silently by the dressing table. I could see Ma sitting on the floor, the doctor sitting on the bed. But I could not see you clearly. Just a part of your black body. Once or twice I advanced to see your face.... And then went back. May be it was better this way. No attachments. Really? I know how I masquerade as brave and tell my folks to move on in life.....it's been years. But I still cry for you at the dead of nights. I have not given up forming attachments like Ma has or given up eating Biriyani like my sister, I pride on myself at keeping a balance. Seriously? A Balance? How I kid myself! I still blame myself for shouting at you when you could not get up from the bathroom. I couldn't take uncleanliness. And you just looked at me. You didn't shout, or even make a noise. You just looked. And I was taken aback, by that stare. You knew then, didn't you? But I brushed it aside and shouted at you for dirtying yourself. I'm sorry my little brother, it never occurred to me that I should not shout. I did not know you were in so much pain. I neglected you. How could I? You were the best thing that ever happened to me. And I just neglected you. May be it's not so bad that you left me. May be I deserved it. And as I sit here at my table, writing this post, I remember those brown eyes of yours. You were with us for only two and a half years but during that time you showed me love, you showed me that I was capable of being loved and you loved me the way I was. And how did I pay you back? Take care my little angel, wherever you are. You were always so inquisitive. Remember the one time when I was sitting with my back towards your face pretending to do something interesting and that intrigued you so much that you quietly crept up to me and actually pulled my arms out, so you could get a glimpse of what I was doing? Tell me, how is that side of the world? My sister always said, that you were some angel, who may be, was here on earth to do some penance. And after your penance was complete, you had to leave, like all the other angels. I find it hard to disagree with her. How else could someone explain the astonishingly perfect handsome looks? I know girls would have always sighed for you, you were such a heartthrob. My little brother was perfect, he was the handsomest man I have ever seen. Take Care, Little Brother. I hope you rest in peace, wherever you are. 

Jealousy and Pets

I saw Black Beauty today. And I cried..again like the several times I had when I read the book. Think I am a sissy? Be my guest. I don't care. The fact is that I can't understand that how can people be so cruel with animals?

Was reading Maneka Gandhi's article that day. A recent survey has found out that animals display secondary emotions like jealousy. Before scientists only believed that animals were capable of displaying only primary emotions like love and sadness. Huh, this is by far the stupidest survey I have come across. Any one who has lived with animals knows that they are capable of showing most or even all of the emotions humans display.

Jealousy for instance, is a primary emotion found in animals. When they see other animals being showered with more affection than they are, they are invariably jealous. Starting from monkeys to dogs, every animal shows this emotion. Gandhi talked about one particular instant where a friend of hers got home a monkey to rid herself of the void when her husband went to army. This monkey became a close companion of hers.

When the husband returned after a war injury, the monkey became very jealous. It used to display all signs of jealousy and even attack her husband. This went on till the husband gave his wife a choice on to choose any one of them. The infuriated wife at the stupidity of the choice, chose the monkey over the husband. The husband left with their child. A month later, the monkey died and the lady committed suicide.

Sad case, but it is the truth. It has been seen that pets do feel threatened when they see their owners paying more attention to somebody else; this some other body can be another pet or even a human. Pets are way more sensitive than humans and even if you try to hide something from them, sooner or later they will come to know of it. Bottom line, don't mess with your pets! We think they don't understand things but their sense of perception is far bigger than ours.

Take Care and Love your Pet.

Teddy (continued)

I do not know how to continue from my last post about him. Teddy was a ball of fur; soft, black and sparkling. He was the handsomest devil anyone in our neighborhood had seen before. He belonged to the mongrel breed but he was so beautiful that people almost invariably asked us whether he was a Labrador. And well, yes we felt very proud when they complimented him like this. He hated the water like most street pups. Warm water along with Clinic Plus Shampoo was needed to bathe him and three of us- my sister, my brother-in-law and my mother were needed to push him to the bathroom. Phew! As I said in my previous post, he sure was a handful!

He was a good tempered puppy initially but then I used to irritate him so much that he began to lose his temper with me. Lols. I don't blame him. I have a penchant for trying out people's patience to see how much they would be able to tolerate me. I and my mother used to irritate the hell out of him by rolling him out like you roll the dough to make chapatis. From the next time whenever he saw me and my mother, he used to scurry below the bed post.

Teddy used to be very curious. I remember one day I was working over something barring him from the view of my work. He could not see what I was working upon. I saw that and pretended to be more readily engrossed as if by something absolutely interesting. He came over, peered over my neck, pulled one of his paws over my hand and tried to move it aside to see what I was doing.

Such was his curiosity.

At one time in the darkness I was sad about something. The lights had gone off. There was no current. I was unhappy. He came over to me and called me with his paw. I hugged him. I have yet to find out someone else who would understand my feelings without my saying anything.

But good things are for short periods only. He fell ill one day. He had some sort of an infection on his mouth. Mother called the doctor and he suggested an antiseptic. In the midst of this, he fell down from the bed one day. He could not regain his balance. We called the doctor. He came and concluded that he had been running a temperature for the past few days. He was not able to give a conclusive proof of what had really happened. But right then, in front of our eyes, Teddy let out one final gasp of breath and left us.

P.S: We took him to a cemetery in Behala where he was buried. Exactly ten days later, my sister's pup, Pipi who was suffering from many days owing to old age and distemper also left. He was also taken to the same burial ground, Karunakunj.


The First Part: http://sojournoflife.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-was-in-midst-of-writing-another-poem.html

Memories

A long time has passed since my last post. Well not quite. I have been known to update my blog once every two years. But stray thoughts seem to crowd my mind and sooner or later I realize I have to take up the pen. Damn computer has made me so lazy I find it difficult to write with a pen except during exams. :( But we will save that for later.

By far the worst disadvantage of having a net is that people buzz you at all the unwanted times and you can't help but be polite to them. You might want to concentrate on your work, you might want to concentrate on your writing, but you can't. You might well ask me to shut off the net while doing some other work. Problem is that the net has got the better of me- they say it's Internet Addiction. But like most addictions, I am sure I will get rid of this one too. All in good time, mate. ;)

Between this time, I have passed through a plethora of moods- ranging from sadness, depression to euphoric laughter (the last one signifying my absolute loss of calm and peace). But I guess being my reader, you are quite well aware of my morbid phases. This phase however was a bit more morbid than all of the phases I have underwent so far. When I am depressed I usually listen to angry rock songs. LP, David Guetta's "Love is Gone" are some of my particular favs.

But then Taylor Swift has a capacity of bringing your sadness to the forefront, something I did not want to happen. So I stopped listening to her completely. I wanted my anger to stay. Why cry like a sissy when you can be a werewolf? Lols. My apologies to Twilight fans. So anyways, things were somewhere around this when I listened to a new song by Swift, "Hey Stephen".

The playful nature of the song interested me. The lines go somewhat like this:

I can't help it if you look like an angel

Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain so

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

Can't help it if there's no one else

Mmm, I can't help myself

So for all those of you who are Taylor Swift fans, I suggest you listen to this song. Right now I am humming this tune. A lot of good things are happening in life. My children got a lot of medals and that makes me very proud as a teacher. I got a lovely red bag as a gift. I became second in class once again(ah crap, 2nd, but I guess that is better than failing) and yes I scored the highest in the paper I wanted to. I guess that is how life goes. Time and tide wait for none. In the midst of all these achievements however, our heart does not forget to spare a thought for those who meant a lot to us and now are gone.

I am currently reading The Good Guy by Dean R. Koontz. I love this author. Have been reading him since school days. His current story has some instances of pet dogs. I was reminded of my Teddy. His innocent brown eyes that gave away everything that he had in his mind, his pink tongue and black lips. Yes he was the most handsome of all the puppies in the neighborhood. He was my friend, my brother. And need I say it, he was as intolerable as I am! He had a short temper (like me) which used to flare up even when the fault was his (again like me). Sometimes I really wished he was not so much like me. I don't cry for him, not any more. I do remember him, still. And I wish he was with me ..still.

Teddy

I was in the midst of writing another poem but one of my friend's comment on the previous poem really discouraged me. But I am not done. I will publish another poem very soon.. :P However this post was long overdue I felt. For a while now, I have held back my emotions about Teddy, can't seem to do so anymore.

Ah well..you guys who read my blog are well accustomed to bearing my occasional outbursts of nervous energy..which is the "normal" me most of the time. But this post is special. It is special because it is about my brother. My brother who has now been gone for a year and two months. We were so similar, my brother and me. He took after me. I remember writing about Kaluram (a poem, this one too) who was his cousin (I believe) from the same street from which we picked Teddy up. But Teddy's demise left such a huge gap in our lives that I did not quite know how to fill it up with one of my meagre pieces.

Then why now? Because I was going through the photos of a Prof. in FB and she had this cute little puppy...he is so much like my Teddy. He yawns, spreads his feet and his body and is soo small. Seeing him reminded me of Teddy so much that I had to write about my little brother who is now in heaven.

On a wintry November night, Teddy came to our house. He was small and black. My sister and brother-in-law brought him to our house and then bathed him with warm water. He had many worms on him. The most surprising thing about him was that though we brought him up and bathed him with water, he did not utter a single sound. He was visibly uncomfortable and did not appreciate the dampness of water. But not a single sound.

It was then that I put forward a question. "Is he dumb?". No one answered. My brother-in-law said that in this species dumbness is not seen generally. So they took him home. Next day my sister called. "You know Ma, last night we were afraid that he was dumb. After bringing him home and keeping him for one night, we have realized that it would be much better had he been dumb." Her happy words said it all. Teddy had cried so much after staying one night in their home that their landlord had come and complained about it.

He was a handful, my little Teddy. Since both my sister and brother-in-law worked, he had to stay alone in the house and he would complain about it by shouting at the top of his lungs. So my sister requested us to take him home. I am not a very friendly person, as my friends know and though I love animals more than people, I was against keeping an animal in home. They require a lot of work and attention and I was simply not comfortable with it. So they left Teddy from where they had picked him up and went away crying.

My mother, a very gentle and compassionate lady found this to be unacceptable and went off to search for him. I guess some of my humanity awoke inside me and I went to help her. But we could not find him. Later that evening we were going to my tuition classes. The path which led to the main road was where I saw a little black figure jumping around. It was small and I was not sure whether or not to call it. My mother too saw and pointed it out to me. It was then that I called. But even before I called, he saw me and came running towards me. It was then that I knew that that was Teddy.

Since then he spent the rest of his short life with us.

(to be continued)