Sunday, May 31, 2009


When was the last time anyone did something special for you? Do you remember? Right at this point of time, I am trying to remember one myself. Not that it is very difficult to find, it is just that, the memories have become a bit obscure and have also been brought down by the weakness of my sick throat.

I can however tell you lots ; seeing that I have a good memory; like the time when one of my acquaintances chose to handle his temper when we were supposedly having an argument about nothing and asked me repeatedly what happened and why
I was behaving like that. Nothing special, huh? Well for me it was. Never expected him to even try to understand my feelings, so it was special.

Then there is another instance I remember. My "friend"(I have a bad reputation in this, as I don't make friends easily. The contestants have to pass through several hurdles before they can prove their loyalty to me. I know this makes me sound like a horrible person. Well, can't help it really!) helped me to get off stress during the one hour we spent in a journey together. How?

Here comes the catch. I seem to shed all ornaments of civilization and propriety when I am with her. My other acquaintances, even friends would scream in horror to see the apparent downfall of a "good little church girl" like me when I am with her. And you know what makes it worse? The fact that I enjoy it to the core!!

Talking of stress, are friends stress relievers or stress givers? Well, some of them give me a lot of stress. Do I hate them for that? No. But I do get irritated sometimes. And before you even ask, let me tell you that if one of my friends got irritated with me when I came up with a problem, I would not like it at all. I would be hurt. But when my friends come up with problems like that, I become worried about them even though sometimes I might get irritated. And that gives me a lot of stress. But I am growing up. Or just may be with time, we learn to handle stuff, even the most difficult of them.

Coz when you know you have to handle a difficult problem, you might try to run away from it; once however the problem is presented to you, then there is no point in trying to run away, we just sit and do our best to solve it. Kind of like a Maths exam, it is.

But tell me, what happens when your deepest, darkest fears come true? When the thing you fear the most in life comes back to haunt you showing its ugly head time and again? The thing which you have tried to avoid all your life in the sincere hopes that you never have to face it, what happens when you are forced to face it? And this done unknowingly by a friend? Do you thank her? Do you spite her? Are you scared of her? Or do you simply choose to avoid her?

I do remember what I said about the Maths problem. But this is bigger. And you do have a choice to escape, and I seem to consider not escaping from the clutches of the dragon while I still have a choice, an awfully stupid move. I am not a bloody Harry Potter for God's sake!

In this respect, I am reminded of another of the two souls I have encountered on the face of the earth. As I said, I don't make friends easily. But some people have a way with you. Now it is not easy to impress me, but who doesn't say that? There are some things each of us likes and if you know exactly where to tickle a person, that person is bound to be impressed by you.

So anyways, I am not saying that these people tried to tickle me or anything, but they had ways about them which I liked. Now in the first case, what happened was I was so blinded by affection that I could not see the details, even tried not to observe them- for the first time in my life, in friendship, I gave more importance to emotions than logic.

And I paid the price. I was about to lose some of my very good buddies, people I would not have considered my "friends" otherwise except if not for this incident. But the way they maintained their trust and faith in me, I was grateful for their support. Never could believe that something like this could have happened. So yes, this incident was a boon in the form of a curse.

Will I ever figure out why this alleged person tried to create a rift between me and my friends? I don't know. But one thing, I don't have any sympathy for people who try to create differences between me and my loved ones and I can be ruthless while dealing with them at times.

Now to talk of this other soul I met. Funny, smart, helpful, creative. You cannot help but like such people, for the majority at least. Ever seen a person go through a series of metamorphosis to change so much so that he serves as a grim reminder of some old soul you met from the past? This person did. Memories of present people that remind you of some one you met earlier can be good, they can also be bad. Coz they can remind you of the bitter times you went through with the first person. So what do you do?

You feel an utmost urge to change the present person. Now an individual is not a piece of clay who you can shape according to your needs and desires. A human being is more like a natural phenomena- though these phenomena are more predictable at times. And this is what attracts and at the same time repeals me about them. Good to study but not worth while to form lasting relationships. Gosh, I am back into one of my pessimistic moods again. Anyway, so right now I am happy to be in the position of a mere observer before taking any further initiatives.

You learn a lot by observing people. They teach valuable lessons on life. This post has dealt with only some of the wonderful people I have met in my life. I don't know where this path will continue, as problems have already started to crop up; serious problems, problems that I am scared of solving or even acknowledging and problems that the other person does not even know exists. But I am glad I have met these people, they have widened my horizon on life and this is something I will forever owe to them.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Hmm..what am I thinkin' ?

Finally exams are over. The last few months of my college days have been very educative. It was interesting to see different facets of individuals. Made new friendships, some old ones got broken. But everything does not stay with you for the whole time, does it? But it is interesting to meet new people and see their versions of life. A lot of my classmates will not be back with us for post graduation. I will miss them. Three years passed like three weeks. Can't believe just three years earlier, I was a fresher about to set my foot in one of the most prestigious universities of India. And now, I am a senior! Three years earlier, I was scared of being ragged. Now I have the ability to rag people. But I have not ragged any of my juniors. And nowadays freshers are smarter than what we were at their stage.

Times pass by so quickly. I remember it took me twelve years to love my school. And even after that I was glad that I was leaving it. But about six months before leaving school, my nostalgia about the institution started. I hardly missed any fellow student or teacher but I did miss the building. Even now I have sudden flashes of memory where I can see the school building, its corridors, the auditorium and of course my favorite place, the library. I still miss the library. All those story books which I had a mind to finish! Now I deal in literature but somehow that urge is gone. My text books form a good piece of literature but I don't succeed in finishing them only. My book shelf is full of thrillers which I intend to finish someday in future.

Would I really miss JU if I left it? I don't know. I am slow to liking and slow to getting over it! Three years. I have grown up so much. I have learned so much. My views have been shaken up, tossed and put in a whirlwind and been revolved upside down. I am proud to be a Compli'tian. Comparative Literature has opened my eyes and exposed me to so many different kinds of views.

My hunger for knowledge has further been saturated by the Diploma in Social work that I undertook in the first year. And the course in Basic Skills in Conflict Management has made me see the world from different perspectives. It has enabled me to understand human beings better. Though I always fear that it will hamper my ability as a writer- rob me of the power to have critical perspectives, but hey, I have just begun to learn. There's a lot more left to know. If I survive it. God, seeing other people from their perspectives can be so difficult! And you have to mingle the right amount of empathy with the right amount of assertion to make your point clear. It all seems so impossible! I don't know whether I will be able to do it ever. I am a human being, after all.

I tend to be judgmental, I tend to be unreasonable at times. And I am not ashamed of it. As I tell one of my close friends, "It's either my way or the highway!" Lols!! I am not that dominating. But yes, I believe that if I can't be the real 'me' with my near and dear ones, then there is really no point in calling them my close friends. Oops. Sorry. This was something that friend had told me! I believe her.

I have met some really special people in the last few months of my graduation. I don't know how long we will be together. As a matter of fact, I have already fought with two of them. But I am lucky to have them in my life. I am lucky to have all of my "friends" in my life. And by "friends" I don't mean acquaintances. I mean those few people who know me, love me and accept me the way I am. And yes, if they are reading this, they better know that it is not going to change a thing between us. I will still fight with them if I don't like something. Hehehe....

Remember, "it's either my way or the highway". :P

By the way life becomes much more joyful and special with them by my side...

Till next time, Adieos!