Realization

You were such a good friend and now you are gone too

Go on leave me like all the others do...

A post long overdue. Anger. Despair. Fumes. Fight. Break up. Tears. Disbelief. An essential part of life gone. Fear. Of the Future. What will happen now?How can "you" be gone? Forever? Concert. Music. Fun. Tears at Night. Thinking of You. Thinking how unworthy I am of your friendship. How small am I? You were so important to me but apparently I am not that important to you. Rejected. Dejected. I am replaceable. Dispensable. Unwanted.

Second Phase. Making new Friends. Difficult. Not social enough. But have to get out of the first phase. What's the point? Getting your self respect back; that's the point. You are not dispensable. You are not replaceable. You are not rejected. It is possible for people to love you. Want you. Otherwise, there would be no hope at all. No hope of living. Do you want that? Dunno. Scared. Of both sides. But undertaking a venture, taking a risk, solving a problem given at hand; that's my nature. And the Result....

..is not so bad after all. Loving people are present. For whom I am not dispensable. Who don't only talk to me out of kindness. Who don't only listen to me out of a sense of duty for "friendship". Who really like me for the person that I am. And I am surprised at how much I can achieve. A zest. A vigor. A new spirit fueled by the desire to NOT feel bad. NOT be melancholy even though that was the original nature. To NOT be pessimistic. Have to prove something. I can live without you. Look, how happy I am. I was not so happy when I was with you! Inwardly missing you. But the tears are gone. Gradually replaced by the happy memories of the friendship that once existed. This time it was not just a word. This time it was over, for final.

But it was good while it lasted. May be it was for the best. I was getting more and more dependent on you. And it does not work if it's one way. It becomes a burden to the other person, a source of embarrassment to the one. Fear of rejection is always present. It is better to harbor such feelings for someone who would appreciate it. The wound heals up gradually. New friends stir life up. Learn to depend on them. On her. The Lady with the Golden Smile. Would she leave me too? She says she won't. She knows about the past. But no one knows about the future, right? But this is good while it still lasts.

This lady has a lot of friends too. But she never ignores me. She cares for me. She listens to me. Never says she is too busy to talk to me. It's more of a "real relationship" than a "virtual" one. I guess that's why her words make clearer sense. Past feelings, past people however still haunt. Hence deletion of account. A new life. In the "real" world.

Optimism. Strength. Value of Oneself. Hope. Courage. Conviction that I am right...

Realization of own mistakes. Trying to rectify them. But you did not accept. Sad. A Bit Angry. But the feeling of loss is gone. A renewed strength and spirit. Your wish. I tried..

Third Phase. A message. Formal talks. Ice starts to break. Felt nice. But do I want to go back in time again? Wasn't it all over? How can I start it all over again? Difficult. Is so much of intimacy good? After all it's again going to end on a sore note. Confusion. You are nice. Friendly. The qualities I admired in you once. You say you were never serious about the fight. But I was. So...? Where does it go from here?

I don't want to hurt you. But I also don't want to get hurt again. I am over you. Done depending on you. You ask me what is wrong. I refuse. Don't want to rely on you again. Unforgiving? More like timid. You left everything broken. I alone had to build from scratch. Now I am sane. I am happy. Now you have returned. But I am scared of being broken down again. I am scared of getting rejected. Again.

Thankfully, I have a strong mind to think things out. Things are not as simple as they seem. I still like you. I still want to be your friend. But at what cost? Sure it's not worth it to submit oneself completely to someone? And then be rejected? How would you feel if something like that happened to you?

But that's the point. You have lots of friends. You will never have to feel the pathos of loving and not getting loved in return. I on the other hand cannot afford that luxury. The handful of friends that I have, I intend to keep each one of them. None of them is replaceable. Dispensable. No, not even you. You will always be you. No one will take your place. But the way I was once with you...I don't want to be like that with you again just to make you happy. It would be kindness and a duty for friendship, but not from the heart.

Your place in my heart was empty. You have come to reclaim that place. You are away. I feel a vacuum. I feel an empty space. I miss you. But I am scared to admit it. I am scared to feel it. To express it. You expect me to feel for you the same way as I once did. You are physically absent. I get angry. How can you expect me to feel things when you are away on such short notice. I didn't think I would miss you. But now I do.

You are persuasive. Bright and optimistic. But I am not as courageous as you. The fear of rejection from you still persists.

I need to find a balance.

He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

- WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS

Her Best Friend

Let me tell you a story. The story of a poor princess and her best friend. The twist in the tale lies in the fact that this friend was a frog. So what? We have seen humans and animals bond before haven't we? These two were the best of friends. Here is how the story goes.

'You go on carrying your daily work with no idea of the future to come. You live your life the way you have led it for the past thousand years. And then a frog comes. He lights your way up. You start appreciating the good things in life. This friend becomes your best friend. You start depending on this frog. But then the dependence keeps on increasing and you start taking things a bit too personally. You forget that he is just a little frog and you begin ascribing human attributes to him. You start reacting vulnerably to his light spirited hops and jumps.

And all this keeps on increasing the distance between you two. I dunno whether he simply starts taking her for granted or he fails to understand why she behaves like this. He is a freedom craving frog and you can never keep him in a cage. But what about this fear..this fear of losing him..that may be he will jump away so far that you will not be able to reach out to him..he will grow so distant that your voice won't reach him?

One of my friends used to say, "You can never keep with you what is never yours". She was true. But our princess didn't know that. She began to write poems and pieces for him and never showed or read them to him, thinking only about him, dreaming of him- was it more than just friendship? Yes it was. Dammit, a frog can't read. Hell it probably doesn't even feel like a human being. But our princess was too blind to see that. He was her best friend. He brought her happiness. Best friends share everything. Don't they?

But her definition of friendship did not necessarily match with his idea of the same. The way she carried on her sense of reality did not necessarily match with his. And invariably it happened. Her dream broke. It was a fairy tale, guess it had to be over someday. There was no "happily ever after". Her frog, her charming little prince did not kiss her and make her a princess. All of you know this part of the story. There is nothing new in here. But what hurt her the most? His inability to love her?

No, it was his inability to maintain their friendship. It was his inability to give her the same respect as she did to him. He was not replaceable to her. He was her best friend. But she was replaceable to him. And it was this indifference that hurt her the most. She did not expect him to kiss her. But she did expect him to be her friend, to be by her side, to care for her. He didn't. He failed. She was committed to their friendship. He was not.

But I guess you cannot blame him for it, can you? My friend says, friendship like love cannot be one-sided. It has to be both ways. And if it isn't, well then it isn't friendship. So with a heavy heart, our Cinderella had to forget about her best friend. One day she held him lightly. He did not even take a second look but jumped away. Escaped through the window. Our Cinderella felt that may be she was stifling him all these days. I doubt if the frog had any feelings at all though. But with a heavy heart, our Cinderella threw him a flying kiss. But by then he had gone afar. He never looked back.

Our Cinderella was sad for many days. She contemplated not living as life without her best friend, without her frog,meant nothing to her. But time heals every wound. Our Cinderella recovered, she healed. She found happy kids who made her realize that the sun smiled down on her. But at nights she used to cry for her frog. Till suddenly one day, she realized that her feelings for her dear little frog had gone away.

The realization hit her like hard cold ice. She felt at peace but felt a strange coldness in herself. She tried to search for love, for friendship deep within her heart. But all those feelings had left her with her frog. That part of her heart had been numbed forever. Cinderella realized that she would never be able to love again, she would never be able to feel for anyone ever again. Her frog had taken her warmth along with him. '

And thus ends our not-so-happy fairy tale. I know it does not have a happy ending, but ah well, what did ya expect? It was not out of a Disney movie anyway. ;)