I don't love you
I don't like you
I don't care about you
I don't like you
I don't care about you
I don't already miss you
I don't write about you
I don't secretly cry for you
I don't....I don't.
You think too much. People tell me all the time. Paranoia coupled with insecurity. Mistrust. A friend is leaving. She is self-obsessed and stupid. She thinks she has a bad temper. I think she can be stupidly passionate and is nothing like the way she projects herself to be. She believes in this projection. I also think she is a darling. I think she is a good tempered kid. That's because I have a bad temper. I want my close ones to stay with me when I am having a bad time (which is literally most of the time now) and when they don't (because I am a loner), I blame, cry, screech, shriek, throw my limbs up and down and point out how bad they are.
Anyway, this can be the subject of research among psychology professionals. But enough of me. This 'friend', this girl I am talking about, I don't think she considers me as her friend. She is like a Barbie with her own set of flying angels covering all around her; she can go on and on for hours talking about how nice her friends are. I am not jealous.
No seriously, I'm not. I have considered at least thrice in my life to severe all ties with her. And I did. But every time, she comes around with a sunny face and starts anew. I have told her that every time you cannot have a new beginning. Yet she refuses to give up. Her optimism, her willingness to try, compels me to look past the negative experiences. It's like she calls me back every time I leave. No one has ever done that before for me.
'Sugar and spice and everything nice', I am suddenly reminded of this rhyme.
I experience emotions in extreme. Either I love someone or despise someone. If I am indifferent to someone, then I don't care about that person at all. This, despite of my peaceful demeanor. May be, expecting her to always comply is wrong. But I am incredibly possessive of my friends. I once told a friend that I did not care how many girlfriends he has, I wanted my share of time to be given to me! He understood. She does too. But somewhere I feel, I don't have any right to even feel that way about her.
She herself has told me about her priorities in friendship, with other people scoring top level positions. Huh. I was always the top scorer in school and college. Therefore, it becomes a competition. And I don't like losing. Scoring in studies is easier. Scoring in life is more difficult. Therefore I retract, carefully, steadily, pretending I have better things to do. Inside however I am dying. Because when I like someone, I want that person to myself. And I want that person to like me as well.
And also because I don't like losing. Losing, as if it were, is a sin. Ironic, coz I lecture this friend all the time, how everything in life is not about winning or losing. Other things are pretty important too.
Where was I? Oh yes, so she's leaving. For higher studies. And one evening, she harmlessly changed her FB profile pic, I looked at her face and wrote a poem. Another time, I read a post on her blog, out of which one line she had spared to saying that she would probably never see her home again. Byas, I began to cry. Faced with emotional anguish at times like these, I did what I do best- ran away.
From her, from the pain. So I had forgotten everything. Found out a thousand faults with her (and trust me, I did not have to work very hard for it). And became busy with my life, as if I don't have anything better to do! As if she is the busiest person in the world! Miss Popular. With her entourage of fans. Bloody Show Off. As if I care!
Miss Happy-Go-Lucky called me on my birthday and began crying about something regarding her boyfriend. Like the generous and kind-giving listener, I tried to hear her patiently. As the Knight in Shining Armour for the Damsel in Distress! Gee, that's so gay! She hates being called the damsel in distress, so I might as well call her that. Damsel in Distress, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Barbie Doll! Hmph. Latest: Paris Hilton! Serves her right.
Six months again, we hardly talked, mostly did on chat and sometimes on SMS, but now that she's leaving for higher studies, she had this brilliant idea of meeting all her friends before she left, from kindergarten to barely known acquaintances (all are her 'friends' according to her).Queen Elizabeth is signing her name on people's hearts! Hmph. So me, who was cursing her all this while and told her that she wouldn't meet her, had to meet her.
Well, of course she didn't gag me, but I had to meet her. How could I say no to her? I never could. Plus I kinda like it when she tolerates my temper tantrums and even after that repeatedly keeps on coaxing me. Woah, some patience that kid has!
Which brings me back to my first point. She is an extremely talented kid. And a good tempered one. She has the ability to look past errors with a new optimism. I don't believe in hero worship as some of her friends do! I can't go on and on about how exceedingly charming her boyfriends are/were. Goodness, if anything I hate them. And I hate anyone and everyone who has ever mattered more to her than me. And I hate that place and institution where she's going because it is taking her away from me.
In a desperate attempt, I told her, "Don't go...". She thought I was asking her not to leave for home. But I replied, "No..don't go..to Noida.." She just rounded up her already big round eyes and looked at me. True, that's like the stupidest thing I have ever said to anybody. ( And I have done some pretty stupid things, specially regarding guys I have liked. To one guy I gave him several reasons not to like me, and to another, I recommended other girls he would look good with!)
As if I wouldn't have gone! As if I would think for a second time when it came to ambition versus emotion. As a matter of fact, I have always urged her to come out of her comfort zone, and see the world, struggle, get a taste of real life. And now when she's going, somewhere, I find even tears futile. I try to cry because that way the pent up anguish would come out. But something chokes my throat. The water in my eyes dry up.
Nobody is indispensable in my life, I proudly say. And it is true. This too shall pass, I shall be alone once more. And this post is just so gay. Eeks! I have better taste. But if I can spend post after post hallucinating about guys who don't even deserve to be anywhere near my blog, then hers is a place well deserved.
She has been a kind and gentle loving soul, a caring 'friend'; she has been there in times when I needed her most. Yes, she has her moments of indifference and she can also be cruel, but she can also be extremely giving, understanding. What I like most about her? Her 'mothering' me. Her ability to look past my ego, my seriousness, see the softness and treat me like a kid. And her putting away all ego when she's dealing with an egoistic me. Goodness, now this is just all too twisted. I better stop.
Good Night and Good Luck.