Sunday, January 30, 2011

My Little Brother

You were the one who ever truly loved me. And I let you down. I am sorry. Forgive me.

“You never forget the ones you loved”. And I will never forget you. I promise. Every time I see a movie based on you, I fall apart crying. How could I not appreciate you? Fancy me getting vocal about how kind and giving animals could I be unkind to you? When nobody cared, nobody bothered, you were there for me. I still remember the night of the load-shedding when I was deeply morose. I was sitting there in the dark blankly. You came and began calling me with your paws. I knew then that you loved me. Tonight I was watching the film, Hachiko: A Dog's Story. The film is about the true story of a faithful dog who waited nine years for his dead owner. I thought of you my little brother. All those times we spent together. We had so much fun. Everyday I used to look forward to coming home. You made my day. You made me happy. And then you started getting sick. May be we did not take proper care of you. May be we could have done better.I still can't stop blaming myself for what happened to you. You improved but then got sicker. And I got irritated with you when you messed up the house. But it still did not occur to me that you would leave us, dear brother. How can I ever forgive myself for having been cruel to you? And that too when you needed me the most. I don't like watching dog stories any more. Coz they remind me of you. I never found pet tragedies fun to watch but now they pierce me even more. Remind me of how cruel and insensitive I was. Even that night when Ma began crying out aloud complaining that you were not moving, did I not imagine that this was your last movement. I still remember standing aside when the doctor came by, you with your soft furry head on Ma's lap. My mother was gently brushing aside your fur; tears softly flowed from her eyes. The doctor was sitting on our bed looking downwards. And I was looking at both of them. Getting prepared for the worst. How hard could it be? Yes you were a part of life and in some moments, you would be there no more.... No I'm sure something can be done, my alter ego shouted. For once in your life, be optimistic. Nothing will happen to him. My pessimism got hold of my timidity and warned me. Get prepared now, or else.. I just stood there silently. I called up your mother and father and waited silently by the dressing table. I could see Ma sitting on the floor, the doctor sitting on the bed. But I could not see you clearly. Just a part of your black body. Once or twice I advanced to see your face.... And then went back. May be it was better this way. No attachments. Really? I know how I masquerade as brave and tell my folks to move on in's been years. But I still cry for you at the dead of nights. I have not given up forming attachments like Ma has or given up eating Biriyani like my sister, I pride on myself at keeping a balance. Seriously? A Balance? How I kid myself! I still blame myself for shouting at you when you could not get up from the bathroom. I couldn't take uncleanliness. And you just looked at me. You didn't shout, or even make a noise. You just looked. And I was taken aback, by that stare. You knew then, didn't you? But I brushed it aside and shouted at you for dirtying yourself. I'm sorry my little brother, it never occurred to me that I should not shout. I did not know you were in so much pain. I neglected you. How could I? You were the best thing that ever happened to me. And I just neglected you. May be it's not so bad that you left me. May be I deserved it. And as I sit here at my table, writing this post, I remember those brown eyes of yours. You were with us for only two and a half years but during that time you showed me love, you showed me that I was capable of being loved and you loved me the way I was. And how did I pay you back? Take care my little angel, wherever you are. You were always so inquisitive. Remember the one time when I was sitting with my back towards your face pretending to do something interesting and that intrigued you so much that you quietly crept up to me and actually pulled my arms out, so you could get a glimpse of what I was doing? Tell me, how is that side of the world? My sister always said, that you were some angel, who may be, was here on earth to do some penance. And after your penance was complete, you had to leave, like all the other angels. I find it hard to disagree with her. How else could someone explain the astonishingly perfect handsome looks? I know girls would have always sighed for you, you were such a heartthrob. My little brother was perfect, he was the handsomest man I have ever seen. Take Care, Little Brother. I hope you rest in peace, wherever you are. 

No comments: