Numb

It's 3:12 am now. I am listening to a romantic song. Reminiscing about past events. Going through past chats. Has your heart ever been broken? I am sure most of you have had broken hearts. But we never understand. Do we? We stupid romantic people, we keep on falling in love again and again, till our heart is broken to several thousand pieces, so many that it can never be one again. We hopelessly give into love and its irrational feelings. We rationalize, try to stop from giving into mindless ramblings par iye dil hain ki manta nahi....

Great here I go again. Talk of mindless ramblings. Our Economics teacher said once that for any curve to take place, at least three incidents (coordinates, points, you know the kind) should be present. Otherwise the growth or fall of the graph cannot be assessed correctly. I guess now I can have a graph of my heartbreaks. I just made a Hattrick! Wow!

There is so much to say, so few words. Have you liked someone for nine years, then met the person finally and then have your heart broken? Have you seen the person you liked and respected the most fall into the arms of someone else in front of your eyes- all the time making you wonder where did you go wrong and why is he doing it in front of you when he knows you like him a lot? Finally have you lost a good friend?

Quite a few of us have had some of these experiences. I will not be such a Romantic as to deny everyone's pain and say that I am the only one who has suffered the most. The last post I wrote about a certain someone was called "Waiting". It's been many months since I am writing about heartbreak again. Ladies and gentlemen, please don't misunderstand me. But heartbreak for me does not only refer to 'love of the flesh and blood'- as in the passionate love opposed to Platonic Love. Love for me essentially begins with the Platonic and then attraction might or not creep in. And yes for me heartbreak is possible even if the love is Platonic.

The last sentence is an evidence of my sensitivity. And before you think I am boasting, let me assure you that sensitivity is one of the most annoying vices one can have. I still remember the day when my counselor tried to reason with me. She said that I was very sensitive but would I like to place something so soft in someone else's hands? Would I like to give that person a chance to hurt me? I remembered I was not very pleased with the explanation. Can't help it if I am sensitive. If I could, I would detach myself from it, cut it off like a body part. But it's irritating, I cannot even do that!

Never opened myself in front of anyone. Not at least from the second conversation. But then you meet someone and you simply can't control yourself. Like a fool, you trust that person with the "real" you, you open up yourself with no defense mechanism, you surrender to that person. Gosh! Now I sound erotic! But I mean it completely aesthetically of course! Er.. Don't laugh. I did.

Stupid conversations, just how stupid could I get? And how kinder could he get? So accommodating. I used to be shocked. Never had anyone who would accept me the way I am. He was the first one. Different from the others. Understanding. Kind. Humorous. I could not believe that a person like him even existed. I was living a dream!

And then he changed.

But I was so into my dream, I did not see the change. I approached him the way I used to earlier. No barriers, no boundaries. But I could sense a change at some remote level- at a level which was barred from view to all outsiders. I was so blind, I took that optimistically as well. He could not change that much now, could he? Of course he couldn't. I refused to entertain the idea. And then the inevitable happened.

I got hurt. Once again...

The first time you take a chance and try to express your feelings about a matter you really care for to someone you deeply care for and trust..becomes the first time you get hurt, coz that someone refuses to believe you, refuses to acknowledge your suffering. It did happen in the past once but not on such a big level. And that is the first time you realize that may be you are better off alone. I don't even feel anything any more. People say I have a very unforgiving nature. I don't disagree. I do. I guess that's coz I am sensitive - it's difficult for me to realize that a person you love will hurt you. I know- there is no apparent obligation that a person you love will love you back or at the very least respect you, but then..stupid hearts, stupid emotions...ah crap. Not again!

I am still trying to live up to my New Year's resolution mentioned in the last post. And I have decided to make a new one: I will not be sensitive any more. Since it is difficult to be emotional and not sensitive (believe me, I have tried) coz that is the way I am, So I have just stopped feeling. Some times the pain is so intense that it makes you numb. I am too scared to feel the pain. I don't want to feel any pain any more. So I am better off not feeling.

Who would have thought that harmless childish conversations would lead to exciting stuff eventually only to fall down completely at a point of stringent opinions, indifference and non-communication? Hey I can draw a graph on this too! Lol.

Well, heavy words all of them. I guess what I am trying to say is that a person you trusted so deeply to think that he would be able to understand you has failed. Miserably if I might. You know what? Time changes everything. I always believed that no matter how much we change on the outside we still remain the same people inside. I used to believe it ardently for my friend too. Somewhere I tried and tried, but could not find that old friend. May be that person has shifted into still inner depths. I could not reach out to him. So I guess I failed too.

So from now on I have decided that I will not only change my outer persona, I will change my inner self. How is that possible? By not feeling anything about any body. Since feeling is the root of all distress. We 'feel' happy. We 'feel' sad, hurt etc etc. So stop feeling. Not so simple. But I am trying.....

P.S: And you just wasted 15 minutes of your life reading this emotional mumbo jumbo! Seriously....people!